Well, it's that time of the year.
Look at OKC — our town's alternative weekly that just happens to be owned by a gazillion dollar corporation — has published its annual swimsuit issue. It's a lot like the famous Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, except it's printed on newsprint, the girls aren't as hot and you don't get a football phone if you subscribe.
Anyway, on the "Look at OKC" website you can vote for your favorite Thunder Girl / Hooter's waitress turned amateur swimsuit model. Since we are kind souls with lots of extra time on our hands, we carefully studied all the pictures and read each model's profile. Then, as a service to you, listed their biggest strength and biggest weakness so you can make an informed decision.
Check it out after the jump.
Why Vote? According to her bio, she's "really good at accents." Does she mean Russian spy accents or Hobby Lobby Wall decoration accents? I'm hoping for the first one.
Why Not? She has the word "Sunflower" tattooed on her side. I'm not a tattoo guy, so that would be a deal breaker...unless she likes me. Also, the last model I dated wanted me to call her sunflower. Why are all models like that?
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Why Vote? You like very thin girls with obviously fake breasts who make the same facial expression in every photograph.
Why Not? She claims to be a "closet nerd." Nerds are lamer than a pack of centaurs discussing quidditch strategy over a couple of drinks at Mos Eisley Cantina.
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Why Vote? Bonnie is apparently sporting the new Royce Young line of bikinis that are available exclusively at Tree and Leaf Clothing.
Why Not? Bonnie lists "Simon and Garfunkle" as her favorite song. Hmmn....maybe her favorite recording artists are "Homeward Bound" or "Sound of Silence."
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Why Vote? Blondes with large breasts are cool.
Why Not? Brooke lists "Get her tan on" as her favorite thing to do in the summer. In 30 years she'll list "applying wrinkle cream to dried out leathery skin" as her favorite thing to do in the summer.
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Why Vote? No lie, you can usually see Edith playing trivia at O'Connell's on Monday or at the Speakeasy on Tuesday. She's a big trivia fan.
Why Not? In all honesty, she's not very attractive.
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Why Vote? She's double jointed. I'm not sure why, but I think that's a good quality to have.
Why Not? She's only 20. That means you can go to jail if you try to get her drunk.
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Why Vote? According to her bio, Jessica didn't want to share any fun facts, talents or super powers because "I can't be giving away all my secrets." Girls that have secrets are awesome.
Why Not? I'm still trying to figure out what's going on with that swimsuit. It looks like something you'd find in some David Lynch film about the future.
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Why Vote? She was on the 2nd season of Jersey Shore!!! Okay, that's a lie, but she looks like she could have definitely been on the second season of Jersey Shore.
Why Not? Based on her facial expression in the photo above, it looks like she's either sitting awkwardly on a rock or possibly ate too much Mexican food at Iguana.
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Why Vote? She kind of looks like the Russain version of Tori Black. By the way, if you're at work and have no clue who Tori Black is, do not Google her name. Once again, do not Google her name.
Why Not? She lists "Closer"as her favorite movie. That was the one the had Natalie Portman play the role of a stripper that never removes her clothes. That's totally unrealistic.
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Why Vote? You like leopard print.
Why Not? In her bio she mentions hows she wants to learn how to read minds. Watch out for her, fellas. Watch out for her.
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Why Vote? Her answer to "the craziest thing I've ever done" sounds like the intro to a Penthouse Letter. Seriously, here's the start: "A friend and I were having a bad day last summer so we randomly decided to pack a bag in 10 minutes and start driving..."
Why Not? Her name is Margie. I'm pretty sure your Mom hung out with a girl named Margie in high school.
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Why Vote? She knows sign language. I guess that's cool.
Why Not? She listed this as the best pick up line that she's ever heard: "Are you looking for a stud? I already have the STD, now all I need is U." I'll bet five dollars she heard that line at either Rok Bar, Baker's Street or Dan O'Briens.
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Why Vote? In her bio, she lists "loves to read obscure local social blogs" as her favorite thing to do before bed time. Neat!
Why Not? She seems nice and everything, but she's really not my type. I prefer my girls to have larger breasts.
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Why Vote? She's kind of stuck in the 1990s....yet she's 24. Seriously, her favorite movie is Point Break, her favorite song is Self Esteem by the Offspring, and she still finds the dancing baby from Ally McBeal both funny and amusing. Okay, one of those statement was a lie.
Why Not? She works in "advertising." People who work in advertising, marketing and PR are narcissistic assholes.
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Why Vote? In her bio, she mentions that she really likes cheese. That's pretty cool.
Why Not? In 20 years, it probably won't be as cool that Shareka really likes cheese.
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Why Vote? Because you kind of feel bad that the photographer made her do that silly pose. Nothing says attractive like under arm wrinkles.
Why Not? Her favorite movie is Boondock Saints, or as I call it, the most overrated movie of all time.
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So that's our breakdown of the "Look at OKC" swimsuit issue. Don't forget to vote for your favorite girl. Right now, I'm leaning towards Edith or Olivia, but then again, what do I know.
