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You’re a Mean One, Senator Grinch

6:34 AM EST on December 22, 2010

It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. Or it could be that his head wasn't screwed on just right. But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

~ Dr. Seuss -- How the Grinch Stole Christmas

For 2010, it is a different doctor keeping the spirit of the Grinch alive.  Senator Tom Coburn's supporters gleefully hail him as "Dr. No" while his detractors derisively call him the same.  It is a fantastic nickname for a guy who has given up his career as a gynecologist (the "Doctor" part) to take up the fiscal conservative cause of keeping down government spending (the "No" part).  In that latter role, he gleefully uses obscure senate rules to keep spending bills away from votes, in essence becoming a one man wrecking crew, causing consternation for his cohorts on both sides of the aisle.

Of course, it should probably be no surprise that a man who spent so much of his life around bajangos turned into such a dick.

Don't get me wrong.  I actually think some of what Coburn does is perfectly noble.  Gary England knows the federal government needs help reigning in spending.  It's just...well, the times he chooses to put his foot down tend to be rather questionable.

EXHIBIT 1:  Haitian Earthquake Relief

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The U.S. pledged $1.15 billion to Haiti to aide them after a catastrophic earthquake.  Senator Coburn put an anonymous hold on the distribution of the funds over concerns that up to 0.438% of that funding bothered him.  Of course, I guess I can understand the hold since that money would only be helping a bunch of people who aren't Americans with their blackness and speaking of the French.  Why would you expect him to show any empathy?

EXHIBIT #2:  Breast Cancer Research

Why would Tom Coburn care about women's health?  He spent his career as a doctor working with women, many of whom had him as their first line of defense when they first showed signs of breast cancer.  He did his part, alright.  That means we shouldn't hold him accountable for blocking funding for breast cancer research.  During breast cancer awareness month.  Get off his back.

God, on the other hand, can do what he pleases.

EXHIBIT #3:  Current Shennanigans

According to the Wall Street Journal, an aide to Coburn insists that the senator will use procedural land mines to block a bill that would provide health care for the first responders that worked at the site of the terrorist attacks of 9/11/01 and now have health issues as a result of the debris.

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This isn't related to French speaking foreigners.  This isn't related to whiny women dying from their body eating away at itself.  This bill is for indisputable American heroes.

Since this is Christmas time, there is hope.  Perhaps tonight the ghost of Franklin Roosevelt will visit him in his sleep and usher him through a memory of the time Coburn used Federal Student loans, show him firemen dying of emphysema today, and take him to a grave where police officers are defecating only to find that Tom's name is on it.  Then, when he wakes, his heart will grow three sizes.  If this can be done in claymation, even better.

More likely, he will head over to the senate chambers tomorrow and put in an anonymous hold on a bill protecting puppies because the legislation includes funding for postage to send the bill to the White House.

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