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Putting Arizona on Notice

8:01 PM EDT on May 5, 2010

We normally don't just reproduce news articles, but decided to make an exception for this one:

OKLAHOMA CITY -- Lawmakers are in a state of panic after a flurry of activity in a nearby state has called into question the effectivness of the Oklahoma legislature.

"It's all election year theatrics," said Cliff Brannan (R - Oklahoma City). "Ordinarily Arizona could never rival what we accomplish."

In question is whether recent legislation passed by the Arizona legislature.  The bill, signed into law by Governor Jan Brewer, that empowers law enforcement to detain any person they suspect to be in the country illegally, has caused a fire storm of controversy as opponents insist it encourages "racial profiling."

Racial profiling is the inclusion of racial or ethnic characteristics in determining whether a person is considered likely to commit a particular type of crime or an illegal act or to behave in a "predictable" manner.  Governor Brewer says that she will not tolerate this practice, despite her insistence that language in the bill specifically addressing the issue be stricken before coming to her desk.

"I'm not sure why anyone would jump to the conclusion that we would (racially profile)," said Officer Scott Smith of the Arizone Police Department.  "Normally, it is Canadians we are on the look out for, and you can't tell them apart from real Americans."

Of course, many disagree.  Doctor George Martin, a third generation citizen of Mexican decent was recently arrested when he called the police.  "Some punk kids graffittied 'Go bak 2 Mexico' on my garage, and I caught them as I drove up.  When the police arrived, they demanded I prove my citizenship.  I gave them my driver's license."  That is when Martin was cuffed, charged with carrying forged documents, and taken to the custody of Immigration and Naturalization Service.  "My license says Jorge Juan Martinez, Jr. which I Americanize in order to assist myself professionally," claimed Martin/Martinez who owns three advanced degrees from domestic colleges including one in English literature.  "When I explained why I could not provide a 'green card,' all the officers said in response to my explanation was 'Learn our language.'"

Here in Oklahoma, such stories are fostering a hint of jealousy among elected officials.  Representative Randy Terrill (R-Moore), who has authored many bills that have addressed similar issues insists that Arizona's lead in the race for curbing illegal immigration will not last long.  "Rest assured, I will do everything I can to help this state catch up," he said in between bites of burrito, "At this moment, my page is taking a proposed amendment for House Bill 2252 to the house secretary that would fine white people who use tanning beds."

Of course, the rivalry between the state legislatures does not end with the issue of immigration.  Arizona is currently attempting to create a law requiring Presidential candidates to present a birth certificate to the Secretary of State before their names can be placed on the ballot.  This is in reponse to the, so called, "Birther movement" that believes current United States President Barack Obama was born in Kenya.

Oklahoma senator Jim Inhofe (R-Muskogee), who favored amending the United States Constitution to allow naturalized citizens to run for the Presidency in the wake of Arnold Schwartzenegger's election as governor of California, likes this idea which he indicated when recently speaking at an Oklahoma City Chamber of Commerce meeting.  "The greatest hoax perpetrated on our society, next to Global Warming, is that Hawaii was a state when Obama was born."

Many members of the state house of representatives believe that the state of Arizona has an unfair advantage.  Mike Reynolds, a representative of district 91 in Oklahoma City, bemoaned that his state's executive branch was headed by a member of the Democratic Party.  "That Brad Henry makes it impossible to get common sense legislation put into law.  I have a feeling that is all going to change."

"Believe me," said state senator and Oklahoma gubernatorial candidate Randy Brogdon (R-Owasso), "when I am the chief executive of this state, we will have laws that make our brethren in Arizona look like socialist sympathizers."

(Note:  The quotes used above are entirely fabricated.)

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