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Page 3: Why Your City Sucks: Edmond

8:15 AM EST on February 11, 2010

Edmond is a bit of a funny town. People not from Edmond really hate it. People from Edmond are either extremely proud of the fact they live in Edmond or they hate it. My wife especially enjoys the "Don't Edmond My Norman" bumperstickers. I really don't know what that means, but yeah, keep your grubby paws off my Norman. I'd say the biggest negative I can think of about Edmond is that one certain section smells like total crap. And by crap, I mean canned dog food. There is a Purina dog food factory there and it stinks up a solid portion of the surronding area.

Oh, and I don't know if people realize this, but there are still poor people in Edmond. Everyone acts like its streets are paved with platinum and that every Walgreens and Wal-Mart have gold plated brick exteriors. And while yes, some of the biggest neighborhoods and some of Oklahoma's richest people live there, the town still has your regular hourly wage earners. That sound you heard was the stuck up people of Edmond gasping at such a thing. But it's true.

(And before I turn this over to the people that really know, can we get a ruling on who takes ownership of Quail Springs Mall? One person says it's Oklahoma City. Another says it's Edmond. I think I'm just going to start saying it's in Bixby.) So why does Edmond suck? Take a little pompousness, mix it with some arrogance, throw in some landscaping and over-the-top city ordinances and you've got a start. Take it away dear readers (consider everything sic'd):

A few reasons from Clark Matthews: "Stay at Home Moms driving hummers while talking on their cell phones and applying makeup. The fact that my wife grew up there and didn't know what "giving props" meant, and thought that someone who "knocked over a liquor store" must have done so with a car.

A. Stoplight. At. Every. Block. On. Broadway.

Lyons Fun Park closed."

Wesley: "Please don't forget to mention Edmond's narrow traffic lanes and the intersections that don't quite align correctly, so you end up almost getting sideswiped by a car in another lane, or ramming into a car in a turn lane head-on. Also, I feel that the extraordinarily creepy downtown artwork begs mentioning, as well." Consider it mentioned.

List form from Marisa: "1. There is nothing to do. The majority of weekends I spent growing up in Edmond we didn't really do anything. There is a shitty theater and there used to be a roller rink, but other than that, we didn't really do much. Our evenings were spent driving around in my friend's Chevy Lumina to fast food restaurants where we would order ridiculous things (a side of bacon from Wendy's) or end up at Hafer Park where the cops would pull us over. Even now, if you aren't eating at that little drag of restaurants on Broadway, you are probably going some place else because there is nothing in Edmond.

2. The cops are always following you. People think Norman cops are bad, but Edmond cops are bored and have less to do. UCO doesn't party as hard as OU, so there are fewer parties for them to break up. This leaves the average citizen vulnerable. Edmond cops especially like to pull over teenagers and bust them for breaking the city's midnight curfew for minors. I knew plenty of people who were arrested for breaking this curfew. And, if you were just a kid driving around at night before curfew, you inevitably were pulled over and asked where you were going. As an adult driving in Edmond, I've been pulled over multiple times for exceeding the speed limit by about 6 miles per hour, and been let off with a warning each time. Those boys in blue are bored.

3. Total lack of bars. I love The Wolf Trap as much as the next girl, but seriously, I don't want to go to the same bar where my dad and his buddies play pool. For a while, we had a wealth of liquor establishments--Hawaiian Don's/Rattphinque's, and Lumpy's/Danny Bob's/whatever it's called now. But, the only one that doesn't close every 6 months or so is The Wolf Trap.

4. Downtown is a joke. I guess, to some, Downtown Edmond may be charming. There are a few stores that I have never been to, as well as some bank and the Edmond Sun. Oh, and don't forget the post office where the first person ever "went postal." All these things are there. For approximately 4 blocks, there is a downtown strip that no one under the age of 60 visits.

5. Just being from Edmond. This is totally true. The worst thing about Edmond is being from Edmond. During high school sporting events when we would go to other schools, we were harassed mercilessly for being from Edmond. To this day, when someone asks me where I'm from and I tell them Edmond, they get that look in there eye, nod slightly, and say, "ah." Even though I've never even been on a golf course and I didn't get a car for my sixteenth birthday, I still get that "ah." This is all not to say that there aren't snotty bitches from Edmond, because there are many. But it would be cool if we got judged on a case-by-case basis. That having been said, I am the only cool kid from Edmond."

Blake: "As a former Edmondite, I would be more than honored to share my opinion of this upper-middle class black hole. I spent most of middle school and all of high school in Edmond, and those 6 years proved more than enough time to realize that Edmond is the land-based version of the Bermuda Triangle. Edmond is where you move to literally forget the rest of the world exists outside of Oklahoma City.
Hell, I'd even bet that at least 15% of the population would argue that Oklahoma City even exists. I mean, with 2 SuperWalmarts, a Super Target and 100,000 Starbucks stores, I can't really blame them for thinking the rest of the world has ended. It's one of those life-comes-full-circle things, you know where everyone again thinks the world is flat and venturing past city-limits means you'll fall into straight into hell. Edmond is perfect for all walks of life. A fully functional and acredited university, and enough retirement communities to make your head spin.

Golf courses, a water park, and even a dollar theater for those paupers who dare venture outside. Confident teens who already understand the troubles in life after surviving their first few years on only frappuccinos and cocaine. Edmond is a great place to live if you want to forget about the rest of the world, because believe me, once you move there, you're stuck forever and so are your kids who are barely passing college. Though, fear not, most will fall back on their glory days on the grid-iron and become permanent assitant coaches at their Alma Mater, letterman jackets in-tow. I consider myself one of the lucky 2% of people that make it out alive. Suffice to say, Edmond should be renamed to 'Deadmond.'"

I like that. DEADMOND. Louis L'Amour thinks that's cool.

Next up... Weatherford. Have something to say about it? Email me at dailythunder@gmail.com.

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