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The Least Reliable Political Team in Oklahoma County

12:01 AM EST on November 3, 2008

Barack-O-Lantern by Mrs. Matthews

You may have heard, there is a big election tomorrow. True story. According to some polls, there are as many as 10% of the electorate that still have not made up their minds as to how they will vote. Odds are, those people also have trouble answering "paper or plastic." But, like the politicians who fight for the favor of the fickle, we at TheLostOgle are also here to serve them. In their honor, Patrick and myself, along with a couple of assistants to give us all points of the political spectrum offer you the analysis of the "Least Reliable Political Team in Oklahoma County". After the jump, we provide you with less than you need to know when making your decision on Tuesday.

PRESIDENT: John Sydney McCain/Sarah Palin (R) vs. Barack Hussein Obama/Joe Biden (D)

Clark Matthews: I doubt this comes as a surprise to anyone, but I'm endorsing Barack Obama. Yeah, he's a great orator, and an inspiration, but what I really like about him is his leadership style and intellectual curiosity. Unlike someone who is currently in the White House, I don't think he can be swayed by handlers with an agenda because he won't limit himself on what points of view he receives. Plus, listening to the man for ten seconds should convince you that he is capable of grasping any concept. Throw in his cool, calm demeanor and I think we could have one of the all-time great Presidents at a time when our country really needs great leadership.

Patrick: Good points, all. But if you haven't realized, this website kind of runs on cynicism and irony. Our best interest is leadership that flies off the handle and banks his campaign on a guy who fishes dung out of clogged pipes for a living.

Lee Bral de Bag: Like it matters. Both of these guys are running with corporate sponsorship...

Matthews: Sorry to interrupt, but Barack Obama's campaign has been funded by more than three million individual donors.

de bag: Right. And most of those people work for corporations! You can't tell me that neither campaign will be beholden to the special interests that got them elected. Both candidates talk about change but they are both just part of the establishment that will continue to hold the American people down. I will be writing in Wanda-Jo Stapleton.

Matthews: You're aware that writing in, isn't allowed in Oklahoma elections, right?

Patrick: Don't bother, Clark, I doubt he's going to vote for anyone who could win, anyway.

Oklahoma Rove: I stopped listening at "Hussein." Seriously? Does it not bother anyone else that we are about to elect a terrorist as our President? What happened to "learning the lessons of 9/11?" Now we're going to elect an Arab?

Matthews: Obama was born in Hawaii.

Rove: Supposedly. Either way, his father wasn't.

Matthews: Right, Kenya.

Rove: Exactly.

Matthews: Kenya is in Africa.

Rove: Your point?

Matthews: People of Arab decent are from the Middle East.

Rove: You can have your opinions, but the facts are he's Arab. Moving on, you'd think dumbocrats would be excited by this election. Whoever wins, they get a liberal in the office. John McCain has been a Republican-in-name-only for years, his only saving grace has been choosing Sarah Palin as his running mate.

Patrick: I'd do her.

Rove: That's sexist. But yeah. During her convention speech I was so excited I had to pull out my...

Matthews: Really? It doesn't bother you that McCain hammered Obama all Summer for being too inexperienced, but then selected a running mate who has been governor of a state approximately the size of Oklahoma City for less than two years after being mayor of a city that is smaller than The Village? With his age and history of skin cancer...

Rove: Bother me? I'm hoping he gets elected and dies in office. George W. Bush proved all you need is common sense and folksiness to be a great President.

Patrick: I think it's time we move on.

U.S. SENATOR: Jim Inhofe (R) vs. Andrew Rice (D)

Matthews: I admire Andrew Rice, and wish him the best of luck, but if there is one thing this state deplores in federal officials, it is competence. Based on that, I don't think he has a chance, especially with Jim Inhofe, who lacks any hint of competence as his opponent.

Patrick: I'm torn on this one. You will never see Jim Inhofe posing in a black leather jacket for a campaign photo, but Rice probably won't threaten to kill protesters with his shotgun.

Rove: For one, a liberal pansy like Andrew Rice would never own a B.B. gun, let alone an AK-47 like Jim Inhofe probably carries with him when he shops at Wal Mart.

de Bag: "Big Oil" Jim is the most corrupt senator to ever represent this state. He gets more money from big oil than any politician and complains that it's not enough considering all the favors he gives them. Then he touts being a conservative, except when being conservative would help the people of our nation. My bestest friend will explain it to you if you go to this site.

Clark: Not to be on you, but I'm pretty sure that Inhofe hasn't received more money from the oil industry than any other politician, and Andrew Rice is a hunter who does value firearms. To be fair, Inhofe probably would get more from oil companies if he ever had a chance of losing his campaign, and Rice wouldn't threaten to kill protestors. Not because he doesn't own guns, but because he doesn't believe in murder.

Patrick: Speaking of guns, our next race is...

STATE REPRESENTATIVE (district 84): Sally Kern (R) vs. Ron Marlett (D)

Rove: I love this lady. She tells it like it is and isn't afraid to smuggle a gun into the Capitol building. One definitely needs protection when you're surrounded by liberals.

Matthews: At the state Capitol?

Rove: Andrew Rice works there.

de Bag: Kern is the epitome of evil. She is at the head of the culture wars pitting us against them. If she disagrees with your opinion, she makes you out to be un-American.

Patrick: There's some irony.

Matthews: I know almost nothing about Ron Marlett except that his bio says his "father was a lineman for..." and then I hoped it would finish "University of Oklahoma" because then I think he'd have a chance at knocking down the Kernservative movement. Instead, it ended "the Rural Electric Co-op," so I doubt he has much of a shot. In a perfect world, though, a woman as intolerant as Sally Kern would be voted out by a landslide regardless of how good a candidate Marlett happens to be.

Patrick: We've documented Sally's history pretty well, so let's move on...

U.S. REPRESENTATIVE (district 4): Tom Cole (R) vs. Blake Cummings (D) vs. David E. Joyce (I)

de Bag: David Joyce is the best kind of candidate there is. He raised $0 for this campaign.

Patrick: Couldn't he have at least raised enough money to get a webcam so he could have a picture of himself on the internet?

Clark: I really don't have much of a problem with Tom Cole. Anyone who would run the Republican National Convention and publicly tell candidates in tough races to avoid showing up, wins points with me for brutal honesty.

Rove: Obviously the only reason he told them that is he didn't want people who could lose at the RNC. We're a party of winners.

Patrick: His eyes creep me out. He kind of looks like Voltron.

U.S. REPRESENTATIVE (district 5): Mary Fallin (R) vs. Steven L. Perry (D)

Rove: If Sarah Palin weren't a Republican, Mary Fallin would be the future of the party. She is gorgeous!

Matthews: I don't see it, but I'm not sure Steven Perry is a guy we should endorse. Dr. Hunter, the first guy to run against her made me wonder how he got into medical school, let alone became a specialist, when he ran against her. During the debate, he made Admiral Stockdale look like a well prepared candidate. I can't say whether Perry is better or worse, but his website doesn't give me much confidence.

Patrick: Don't completely write him off. On this website you mention, there is only one issue specifically mentioned: Indian gaming reform. He strike me as a gambler, which I like. The kind of guy who might wager a vote on the outcome of Monday Night Football.

de Bag: You want to talk about a gambler: Mary Fallin. She voted for the $700 billion BAILOUT of big banking. At least Perry gambles with his own money, not taxpayers'.

CORPORATION COMMISSION (full term): Jeff Cloud (R) vs. Charles Gray (D)

Matthews: I was all ready to endorse a republican for one of the few times in my life. Jeff coached me in basketball when I was in little league and one of my friends who works on his campaign insists that Jeff is a regulator--which I prefer in a commissioner. Then, when looking for a website to link to his name, I found a campaign ad in which his kid said that Cloud wanted America to have energy independence. Great, I thought. Then the kid next to him chanted "Drill, baby, drill" and now I'm not sure if I can put my mark next to his name.

de Bag: Vote for whomever, it won't make any difference. Republicrat/Demlican, you still get a corrupt corporation-%&$er.

Rove: Don't listen to him Clark, your first instinct is always right. Unless it is to vote for a Democrat and then it isn't a "real" instinct.

Patrick: I guess we need a tie-breaker. Here in The Gazette, which you should always read, it says that Cloud is the only candidate who has not run ads during reality television.

Matthews: Cloud it is.

CORPORATION COMMISSION (short term): Jim Roth (D) vs. Dana Murphy (R)

Patrick: In this same Gazette article it says that Roth advertises during TMZ. I guess we know his base.

Rove: Big surprise, the queer is targeting queers and Hollywood addicts.

Matthews: Before this devolves into something Sally Kern would love, it should be pointed out that Roth has, by all accounts not from Brent Rinehart, been an excellent commissioner. When The Oklahoman endorses a Democrat, especially a gay Democrat, you have to believe he's pretty competent. Supposedly the guy goes so far to save taxpayer money that he counts paperclips. While that's pretty anally retentive...

Rove: We're not supposed to make gay jokes here, but you set me up by calling him "anally retentive"? That's not fair.

de Bag: None of this matters. Roth is described as a "bi-partisan" which tells me he's nothing more than a sellout. Just like Brad Henry and Barack Obama, he's too afraid to stick it to Republicans.

Rove: I think he'd be happy to stick it to most Republican officials.

STATE REPRESENTATIVE (district 27): Shane Jett (R) vs. Cole Koszara (D)

Matthews: Shane Jett has suggested the dumbest use of taxpayer money during TheLostOgle era...

de Bag: You're forgetting the bailout Tom Cole and Mary Fallin voted for...

Matthews: Do you ever listen to yourself? Back to Jett. I'm not going to discuss this race much because the best candidate the Democrats could come up with to challenge him was a machinist with a high school education, from McLoud no less.

STATE REPRESENTATIVE (district 53): Randy Terrill (R) vs. Troy Green (D)

Patrick: Two words, depending on how you count them -- H.B. 1804.  Vote Green.

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