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We need more draconian laws in Oklahoma…

4:00 AM EDT on May 5, 2008

So much for keeping the government out of our lives, huh?

The current issue of the Gazette features an article on one of the newest bills passed by the Oklahoma legislature. Here's a quick, eloquent summary of the bill from the Gazette:

Beginning in November, any women that seeks an abortion will likely be required by law to have an electric wand inserted into her vagina before the doctor is allowed to perform the operation.

You may surprised to know that we here at The Lost Ogle are 100% in favor of this bizarre, outdated draconiion law. In fact, we are in favor of all the weirdo bills that our wacko state legislature keeps on trying to push through. We kind of hope that if they keep becoming laws, people will quit stereotyping us as a bunch of in-bred hillbilly rednecks living in trailers and instead think we're a bunch of 17th century Puritans conducting weekly witch hunts and throwing out word like "Thou" , "Chaste" and "Weathercock." And why do we hope that? Because Puritans kick ass.

Anyway, because we are proactive, we came up with a few other crazy laws that our legislature should consider. Check them out after the jump:

Cut off the arms of anyone caught stealing the Daily Oklahoman.
You can look at this law two ways: The Oklahoman is so sacred, those who steal it should be severely punished. Or, those stupid enough to steal it should be severely punished. I kind of go towards the later.

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Make "stealing an old lady's 80-year-old bible and selling it for a quarter" punishable by death.
This will probably stop the current epidemic of people abusing their "power of attorney" and pawning off old people's old stuff. Also, it will maybe stop Bobby Burbridge Lane from preaching to me while I'm trying to merge onto I-40 at 5:15.

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Force anyone who has any sort of sexually transmitted disease to have the Scarlet Letter "V" stamped across their forehead.
For some reason, Clark Matthews really thinks this law is a bad idea. However, it would make watching the nightly news, especially KWTV 9, very interesting.

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Pull the plug on anyone caught watching the OETA News Report.
If you are watching this boring newscast each night, then you are probably already brain dead. So really, it's no big loss.

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Make "Jesus Freak" the official Oklahoma Rock Song.
How can four Hinder songs appear on the nomination list, but not one by the band that all Oklahoma kids should really enjoy like "DC Talk." Who cares that they are not from Oklahoma, we need to get Sally Kern on this one now!

(Okay. I just discovered the nomination list and really think that this needs it's own post. Sersiously, check out the link and see what songs people have nominated for our State's rock song. Some samples:

Color Me Badd: "I Want to Sex You Up."
Kunek: "Dasollec"
Eric Clapton: "Cocaine"
Caroline's Spine: "Work Song"

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Create a law that makes it difficult to employ illegal immigrants and basically discriminates against an entire ethnic group.
Oops. I think they've already done this one.

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Burn at the cross those who do not bow to Gary England when in his presence.
And then dump their ashes in Spencer or Jones. That will show them.

Well, that does it for our ideas.  If you have ideas of your own, let us know in the comments.

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