Top 100 Oklahoma Embarrassments: 10-1
5:31 AM EDT on September 17, 2007
The Final Edition!
10. Byron Houston
Without former NBA'er Byron Houston, Eddie Sutton's renaissance with Oklahoma State probably never happens. Without Byron Houston, Sean Sutton never gets NCAA tournament experience as a point guard and would be lucky to be an assistant coach in Division III Basketball. However, Houston carried the Cowboys until "Big Country" Reeves was handed the baton. Now? Houston isn't even allowed to teach at a Sutton basketball camp.
To be fair, that's mostly (well, entirely) Byron's fault. You see, "Big Country's" mentor likes to yank out, then yank on his "little country." For most people, this is not a problem. But the problem for Byron is that he likes to do this in front of people at Northwest Expressway and Independence Blvd. We could possibly understand this odd behavior if he performed the lewd acts at Reno and Meridian, or in the great town known as Valley Brooke. But across from Integris Baptist Hospital? That's kind of yucky.
Also, let it be known that we at TheLostOgle.com don't really want to judge a man with a mental disorder (bipolar, in this case), but when you're a former superstar athlete that played at Oklahoma State and Star Spencer High School and end up in jail for masturbating in public, you have to be on our list.
9. Dr. Phil
Here at The Lost Ogle we all have jobs, so we don't really get to watch Dr. Phil or Oprah too much. We are also 20-something heterosexuals, so even if we were home, we'd probably watch Jeopardy or some Judge Judy show or something. Because we'd watch the boring stuff before Dr. Phil, he made the list. But since Patrick's ex mother-in-law is a big fan, Dr. Phil skyrocketed up the list. He should be scared that someone that evil watches him everyday.
8. Brad McRae
We came up with this list in July or something. At the time, it seemed like a logical idea to include Brad McRae in the Top 10, because he was the individual behind getting Rhett Bomar and J.D. Quinn fake jobs at his car dealership, and in the process, "crippling" OU's chances of pursuing championships. Now, after seeing the success of Sam Bradford, we think that it may a good idea to praise Brad McRae, or at least include him in our list of the "Top 100 Oklahoma Non-Embarrassments Who We Once Thought were Embarrassments".
7. Tom Coburn
"Crazy Uncle Coburn" has been quiet recently (would it kill him to comment on the Larry Craig case?), but he's given us plenty of good crazy over the years. He campaigned to keep Schindler's List off the air because he deemed it obscene, and it is--it is about a time when genocide was committed on Jews--but not so much for the ordinary nudity portrayed in the film. He warned Oklahomans of rampant lesbianism in the southeast portion of the state. He did a crossword puzzle during a senate hearing, then--literally--cried about the participants not taking the hearings seriously.
Yes, Oklahomans voted him to the U.S. Senate.
6. Judge Donald Thompson
Judge Donald Thompson, the "Sex Toy" judge, made national headlines when it was revealed that he "used" a penis pump from behind the bench during some 2003 court cases (a couple of them were murder trials). And we thought Northwest Expressway and Independence Blvd was weird.
5. The Gaylord Family
As small children, we were raised to dislike the Gaylord family. That's kind of embarrassing. What could be more embarrassing? This family owns the Daily Oklahoman, which for the most part is a pretty shitty newspaper. What's worse? They gave a lot of money to the University of Oklahoma to renovate Memorial Stadium. The result of that? Gaylord Family - Oklahoma Memorial Stadium, giving the Clark Matthews and Bevos of the world more ammunition for their trash talking arsenal.
Check out this excellent All Music Guide review of Hinder's debut Extreme Behavior. Only Gary England could write a better review of the band:
Released in September 2005, Hinder's Extreme Behavior revives the simpleton riffs and stupid misogyny of 2001 albums from Puddle of Mudd and Nickelback for a whole new batch of undergrads. This isn't even post-grunge "” it's straight-up dude rock. The artwork is a triggered response collage of boobs, lingerie, and JÃ¤ger, and the music is so obvious that it actually recedes from the ear. Like a stereo left on in the keg room, it's just a chatter of swear words and tuneless electric guitar blab. Austin Winkler sounds like a drunk shouting along with Chad Kroeger, and his lyrics? "Let's go home and get stoned/Cause the sex is so much better when you're mad," "She said she's sorry/With one finger/I said fuck that," "She said she loved the taste of my oh oh oh" "” Winkler doesn't even have enough class to fake sounding cool. When Hinder and producer Brian Howes (he co-wrote every song with the band; Nickelback producer Joey Moi also gets a credit) do try a little tenderness, they sound like a bludgeoned Wallflowers ("Nothin' Good About Goodbye"), thudding power ballad torchbearers ("Lips of an Angel"; cue the soaring solo stolen from hair metal), or bumbling Guns N' Roses thieves (the played-out "Sweet Child" rewrite "Homecoming Queen"). Extreme Behavior can't even make it as rote hard rock "” it's too insulting to women and your intelligence. That's why it's dude rock instead. Hinder are so egregiously dull they appeal not to fans of music, but fans of high fives.
Okay. We know everyone has their own unique taste in music. For the most part, we respect that. But if you're over the age of 21 and enjoy the "music" of Hinder, you need to see a therapist. And be sure to take your Axe Body Spray and Aeropostale shirt with you, too.
3. Jim Inhofe
Senator Inhofe likes to think of himself as an expert on the phenomenon that is "Global Warming," or as he refers to it, "the greatest hoax ever perpetrated on man." Then again, Tom Cruise claims to be an expert on psychiatry.
When Inhofe is not making a name for himself by denying that climate change is occurring, he's busy making a name for himself by explaining why climate change is occurring but not because of CO2 emissions (concrete is to blame). Or if it is because of CO2 emissions, it isn't from carbon as an oil by product (it's from cow flatulence). Somehow with this thin grasp on science, or more likely his willingness to leap at any half brained hypothesis that helps the energy industry, Oklahoma's senior senator was once the chair of committee that oversaw the EPA.
Jim Inhofe. Senator for Oklahoma and the oil and gas industry.
2. Saving Grace
When we first heard that their was new riveting crime drama going to be set in Oklahoma City, we got kind of excited. Then, we saw the names of all the characters made it look like the writers has just googled towns in the state, and we got a little worried. But then, we saw the first scene was Holly Hunter having wild sex with some dude and we got excited again. But then, the show was horrible. The end.
1. Toby Keith
Here was the collected reaction of our OU-Miami watch party when we discovered that Toby Keith was the fine Oklahoman chosen to provide an overview of the OU starting lineup:
Followed by someone saying:
"Is this the best we can do?"
You know what? That's a good question. Is Toby Keith the best we can do?
I think not.
Toby Keith is Oklahoma's negative cliche. Sure, "we" love our country music in Oklahoma. We also drive a large percentage of HD pick ups. But lets be honest. Toby Keith represents those Oklahoman's who drive 75 miles to go the State Fair and toss a baseball at a beer bottle. He represents those Oklahoman's who think that a night out is shopping for clothes at Wal-Mart.
It's an image that us "civilized" Oklahoman's loathe. It's an image that we'd like to eradicate. But as long as there is Toby Keith there to be our State's caricature, it's an image we'll always share.
So screw you Toby Keith. Go stick a boot in your ass.
And that's it! Finished, finally, after ten long weeks. We've laughed, we've cried, we've learned that Megan Mullally has a very vocal online fan club. The rest of you local folks can breathe easy, at least for the next 100 years, when we will be bringing you the list of the Top 200 Oklahoma Embarrassments.
It should be noted here that although the majority of these entries came under Tony's name, this was a group effort. Clark came up with the bulk of this list, and he and Patrick wrote all the best blurbs. In truth, this really started as a bit of a lark. So we were a bit surprised by the popularity of this feature, and we got a lot of great feedback, so on that count, our thanks to all the readers and commenters. Our next countdown will begin soon, so be sure to keep checking back.
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