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How to know you are home.

8:04 AM EDT on June 7, 2007

This post is intended for people who have, for whatever reason, been forced to leave Oklahoma City and are coming home. Most likely, things will not have changed much, and this guide will assure you that you are Home, Sweet, Home.

1. On your way into the city, you notice that I-35 is under construction somewhere between OKC and Norman.

In the Morningside Heights neighborhood of New York City, the Cathedral of St. John the Divine has been under construction since 1892. As I am not quite old enough to remember back that far, I'm not sure that I-35 has been under construction that long, but I'm fairly certain it's pretty close.

2. When you go out to eat, you have this conversation:

Waiter: And what can I get you to drink?
You: Coke, please.
Waiter: What kind?
You: Dr. Pepper

There is some so-called research on this issue that claims the 405 area code is not the only place where this conversations might occur. I did my own survey (sample size: me) that indicates this is not the case. I have ordered drinks in many different states, and have only received looks of bewilderment after telling people that the word "coke" is simple a catch-all term for all soft drinks.

3. You decide that you want to play a round of golf. You check the weather report, and it says 90 degrees and sunny. By the time you reach the golf course 15 minutes later, a thunderstorm has closed the course.

Brad Henry claims that he wanted to start the lottery to help education in the state, but I'm fairly certain the actual reason was that he wanted there to be at least one thing that was less predictable than the weather in Oklahoma. I'm not even sure that is the case.

4. You turn your radio to the local sports radio station between the hours of 4 and 7 P.M., and you hear no actual discussion of sports the entire time you listen.

I'm told that once, sometime around July of 1982, Al Eschbach mentioned something about sports on his radio show. This is what qualifies him to work on a station strangely titled "The Sports Animal." His actual specialty is in The Sopranos, Italian food, and misogynistic comments.

5. You see a furniture commercial on television featuring two middle-aged metrosexuals inexplicably holding either a small child or a small dog, and you think nothing of it.

I'm not saying the ads for a certain business located at 3434 W. Reno make no sense, but can someone explain to me why these two brothers are perpetually holding babies and dogs? Do they have children that simply don't age? Is the furniture dog-proof? What is the deal here?

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