Over the past weekend, the Oklahoma politisphere has been running rampant with rumor and speculation over who will not only run for Markwayne’s soon-to-be-open Senate seat, but who Kevin Stitt will choose in the short term to keep it warm.
Right now, the short list seems to be a select few Stitt loyalists, term-limited politicians, and even Stitt himself. The job opening has also caught the attention of wealthy, powerful billionaires who may be looking to pad their résumé in the twilight of their lives.
Yeah, I don’t know what ol’ Hambone is doing here. Sure, what oil overlord wouldn’t want unprecedented access to sensitive domestic and foreign policy information related to global energy markets, but isn’t the whole point of being a billionaire that you can buy and pay for your own politicians? You don’t have to become one yourself!
Anyway, since everyone else in the Oklahoma politisphere is busy grasping at straws, we figured we’d throw out a few logical candidates of our own. I can’t guarantee they’re any better than what’s currently being tossed out there, but Stitt should consider appointing any of them immediately.
Jamey Mullin – Plumber/Brother
Although he doesn’t have Markwayne's MMA hobby or weird two-first-name branding, he’d still be a pretty seamless replacement. He’s a plumber, interested in politics, and his appointment would honor one of Oklahoma’s proudest political traditions – nepotism.
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Craig Groeschel – Megachurch Pastor
Kevin Stitt is a churchy evangelical, so it would make sense for him to look to the Oklahoma clergy to fill the seat.
If so, Life.Church founder Craig Groeschel would be a wise choice. He’s popular, has built a massive megachurch empire, and has served on energy company boards, so the oil overlords would probably tithe generously to the idea.
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Sara Stitt – Wife
This would make sense. She could keep the seat warm for Kevin to run, cast a few safe votes, and someday be able to tell her grandchildren she was a real-life U.S. senator. As long as they find her a driver, what’s not to love?
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AIRCO Brothers – HVAC Commerical Guys
Now that Oklahoma has spent a few years being represented in the Senate by a plumber, it only makes sense to replace him with an HVAC guy. Stitt’s an OSU guy, so he probably can’t go with Jason White from Air Comfort Solutions, so instead he should tap one of the AIRCO brothers we see during Thunder games. I don’t know their names, but they can’t do any worse than Markwayne, right? Make the winning call, Stitt!
Blake Shelton – Country Music Superstar
Blake Shelton would make the truck-yeah rural Oklahoma crowd very happy. He’s famous, folksy, and already spends most of his time pretending to understand small-town life. Plus, if the Senate ever gets boring, he can always turn a budget debate into an episode of The Voice.
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Rachel Ackerman – Right Wing Social Media Influencer
Rachel and her Ackermans have emerged over the past few years as a sort of Mar-a-Lago-style social media influencer for the Oklahoma right wing, churning out podcasts, interviews, and political commentary for the MAGA faithful. I’m not sure she’d be a great senator, but Trump would probably love the idea of Stitt sending a blond MAGA influencer to Washington as a form of tribute.
Ryan Walters – Psychopath
I’m not going to lie – it’s been a little sad watching Ryan melt away into the right-wing void since leaving the State Superintendent’s office. Since Stitt had such a big influence on Ryan’s rise to power, maybe he can throw him a bone, right a wrong, and put Ryan in the Senate for strictly entertainment purposes. Do it, Kevin. For the people.
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Joleen Chaney – Former News Anchor / Former PIO
This one would check a lot of boxes. She’s currently unemployed, not opposed to a short-term gig, and people always trust a former news anchor. Plus, reading prepared remarks on the Senate floor isn’t that different from reading a teleprompter.
David Green – Arts and Crafts Mogul
David Green is the billionaire founder of Hobby Lobby and one of the most influential conservative donors in Oklahoma. If Stitt appointed him, we could finally get the billionaire showdown everyone secretly wants: Green vs. Harold Hamm. On the bright side, the Senate gift shop would immediately start offering 40% off decorative crosses and unfinished wooden birdhouses.
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Biker Fox – Legend
I don’t know what Biker Fox has been up to lately, but he’d be an obvious choice for any Oklahoma political appointment. I wonder if he'll bring his raccoons?
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Anyway, that's my list. If I forgot any logical candidate, let me know in the comments.
