Last week, Mayor McSelfie put on his top hat, mustache, and Mandela-effect monocle, took a ride on the Reading, and announced that Hasbro will be releasing an officially licensed Oklahoma City version of Monopoly.
You know, a localized take on the game that swaps out typical Monopoly properties for local landmarks and thoroughfares. Super clever stuff like switching Bricktown for Boardwalk, Myriad Gardens for Marvin Gardens, and Pennsylvania Ave. for, well, Pennsylvania Ave.
Here’s McSelfie’s Facebook post about it:
That’s cool and everything, but I have to ask—where’s the rest of the city council?
Did they not get the press release? Mayor Holt is just one vote out of nine, so you’d think he’d at least pretend to include his fellow council members before handing out Chance cards.
At the very least, I thought Jo Beth Hamon would have biked over, thimble in socialist hand, ready to build public housing and a few hotels on Melrose Lane.
As Mayor Holt mentioned, there have been other “knockoff” versions of Oklahoma City Monopoly released over the years. I know this because Hayley wrote about one called OKCopoly way back in 2019.
In a nod to monopolistic capitalism, however, this version is official.
In fact, it’s so official that Hasbro is asking the OKC public to suggest which streets, landmarks, and the few remaining historic buildings we have left to include on the game board. They’re also asking local businesses to sponsor them.
Via News 9:
Instead of the usual properties like Boardwalk and Park Place, the board will showcase Oklahoma’s beloved landmarks, historic places, and businesses. Community Chest and Chance cards will be themed around the city’s life.
Local businesses also have the chance to sponsor properties on the game board, helping to bring the project to life. “We are very grateful to the local business community for supporting this project,” said Katie Hubbard from Top Trumps USA, the maker of the game. “Oklahoma City has so many unique attractions, and we can’t wait to see which ones the community wants to see featured in the game.”
Yep, you read that correctly. Businesses can sponsor properties! That’s not surprising, but I do have to ask—if we’re going to let local companies buy their way onto the board, why not go full Oklahoma and auction off entire game mechanics?
For example, for $10,000, OG&E could sponsor Electric Company, and in a realistic twist, double their rates every time a player passes Go!
Although I think making this game a pay-to-play situation is kind of weak, I’m not going to complain too much because it gives us a chance to buy our way in and sponsor the beloved OKC Cock Ring—the circular monument and shaft emblazoned with more Os, Ks, and Cs than a Valley Brook stripper:
Seriously, we have to make this happen! The OKC Cock Ring and The Lost Ogle go together like beef and onions, May and tornadoes, and Lyrewood Lane and crime combined. It must be done!
If you’re bored at work and not being tracked, please go to this website, suggest the OKC Cock Ring as a landmark, and then explain how The Lost Ogle—OKC’s legendary non-award-winning media outlet—would make a great sponsor!
While you’re there, you can also submit any other local attractions you desire. For example, I suggested Super Cao, Old Paris Flea Market, and Star Wash.
In a perfect world, the folks at Hasbro will get so many Cock Ring suggestions that they’ll have to include it on the board—I’d suggest putting it in place of a cheap property like Oriental Ave.—and then hit us up for some money.
In fact, we'll open up the sponsorship bidding at $500.
Sure, Hasbro may want more, and we’ll probably have to launch a GoFundMe to cover the costs, but it’s for a good cause, and our Moles are generous, so I don’t think that’s an issue.
But, of course, I’m getting a little ahead of myself here. Those dreams are on the other side of the board next to Luxury Tax and Park Place. We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
And if it doesn’t work out, that’s fine. Maybe in a couple of years, we can try to get the Cock Ring listed as a territory in an OKC version of Risk. Who wouldn’t like that?
Stay with The Lost Ogle. We’ll keep you advised.
