This weekend while I was rummaging through a second-hand store in the metro, I came across a gently used copy of “OKC-opoly.” For those of you who are either new to the state or flat-out uncultured, there was a craze about 10 years ago when cities from across Oklahoma were commissioning custom Monopoly boards for their townsfolk, and Oklahoma City was no different. As if regular Monopoly wasn’t bad enough, now metro families had the opportunity to create decade long grudges over the sucker who gets to buy the State Capitol or Bricktown. Not only does a lot of the board seem outdated, but I also think the creators could’ve done better at reflecting Oklahoma City culture in the first place. I thought it would be fun to take a closer look at the game, and offer some changes in case they ever want to update it...
A Better “Go to Jail”
The OKC-opoloy board game replaced the “Go To Jail” space on the original board with “stuck in traffic jam.” Maybe that works for something like, “Dallas-opoly.” But as someone who travels from North Edmond to south of I-40 every day for work, I don’t think our traffic is that bad compared to other cities. If you really want the space name to reflect something that Okies will relate to while waiting out up to three skipped turns, name the space “Go to Church with the In-laws.” You can get out of traffic. Hell you can even bond out of jail. But you can’t get out of church with your mother-in-law until you’ve served your time.
Different Game Pieces
What do a hand, a dismembered mouth, a heart, a dog, a pretzel, and a shoe have in common? Absolutely nothing with Oklahoma City. Yet those are the game pieces we have to choose from in OKC-opoly. If you really want the pieces to reflect the metro, give us figurines of an F250, Kevin Ogle, a bust of Jesus, a cowboy hat, a Reba album, and maybe a tiny baggie of meth.
Author's note: This was the last known sighting of the pretzel piece. Hayley's asshole cat knocked it off the table and it hasn't been seen since.
Better “Railroad” Alternatives
In OKC-opoly instead of collecting railroads, players attempt to collect nicknames for the metro, including “The City,” “OKC,” “The 405,” and “The Big Friendly.” Changing the names of the spots from railroads to nicknames simply doesn’t’ fit because 1. Oklahoma has too many self-identified racists to be considered “the big friendly.” 2. The creative minds behind OKC-opoly seemed to have forgotten we still have actual active railroads that could’ve been namedropped and 3. We now have a sweet-ass street car. I suggest we name the former “railroad” spots after the street car’s four routes. For that we would have, the “Downtown Loop,” “CIRC Loop,” “Business Loop,” and “Hit and Run Roundabout Loop.”
Accurate “Community Chest”
In OKC-opoly, the “community chest,” which typically gives players the chance to receive or lose money, has been renamed, “Big Fun.” The new name is vague and inaccurate, especially if you’re talking about the metro anytime after 9:00 PM. But it also doesn’t convey what the cards actually do. Instead, we should rename the cards, “the Oklahoma Lotto.” In that deck you may pull cards such as, “Grandma’s birthday is a PowerBall winner! Collect $50” or “Overdraw the account after using your debit card to purchase scratchers. Lose $100 and your wife’s respect.”
A "Free Parking" Alternative
In OKC-opoly, the traditional “free parking” corner has been replaced with what looks to be a cheap “I heart OKC” bumper sticker that only European bikers traveling on Route 66 and college students with Mac Book laptops buy. If they were going to change the free parking corner on the board, they should have put a medical marijuana dispensary. Because God knows there’s one on every corner in OKC nowadays.
Fewer Touristy Properties
Don’t get me wrong, I love the Oklahoma City Zoo, Arts Festival, and Will Rogers Park. But filling the board with the most touristy locations in all the metro only makes this game boring and vanilla. Spice it up a bit by throwing in properties real metro citizens want to visit, like “Edna’s” or “Walmart before the church crowd.”
Better Graphic Design
It’s like the creators of the game gave a 7th grader a copy of 405 magazine, scissors, and a bottle of modge podge to create the layout of the OKC-opoly board. Get your act together.
Hayley tweets pictures of her asshole cat. Follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek