If you really want something to sell in Oklahoma, you should find some way to make it into an essential oil. The anti-vaxxer, stolen-election Facebook school board moms will love it! Crush it up with some water, come up with a professional, yet earthy sounding name like “Vital Soul Loam,” and Edmond moms will be dropping thousands for the chance to be a Gold Tier distributor. As an added bonus, at least one essential oil would finally have some sort of medical benefit.
2. Hold a Church Bake Sale
Even atheists know that you’d have to be soulless to turn down someone’s grandma hawking homemade pies or a “Better Than Sex Cake” at a church bake sale. Give the old biddies a cause like, financing the youth group’s summer camp or upgrading the church kitchen’s ovens, and they’ll sell out of hydroxychloroquine in no time.
3. Put it in the Hands of the Girl Scouts
Not homework, weather, nor a goddang global pandemic can keep Girl Scouts from meeting their sales goals and earning their annual booth badge. I’m sure they’d kick some ass in hydroxychloroquine sales, too, if they got a rainbow patch out of it.
4. Make it Part of a Braum’s Combo
I would never intentionally buy chocolate pudding from a fast-food joint, but will willingly accept the side as a staple of the Braum’s Chicken Strip Dinner Combo. I’m sure the malaria drug will fair just as well, because no, we don’t want it. But we’re not going to ask you to remove it from our order if it just comes with it.
7. Package it into complex sub-prime mortgage derivatives
Instead of wasting his time losing court battles to Native American tribes and demanding students return to schools during a pandemic that he's done his best to absolutely mismanaged, maybe he can use his mortgage and financial expertise to unload the drug supply on the mortgage industry? Could be worth a shot.