Sad news, Oklahomans! It turns out Oklahoma has a surplus of hydroxychloroquine, a substance with no known evidence to suggest it prevents or treats COVID-19, that we just can’t seem to sell. Last April in an attempt to kiss Trump’s ass increase our readiness for the goddang global pandemic, our esteemed Governor Stitt okayed the purchase of $2 million of the anti-malaria drug. Now, as we learned way back in the summer before it was recently regurgitated by The Frontier, we find ourselves with a stockpile that we just can’t seem to return. But don’t fret, my friends! We’ve got plenty of ideas for getting rid of the drug. Here are 7 ways to sell our anti-malaria drug supply!
1. Distill it into an Essential Oil
If you really want something to sell in Oklahoma, you should find some way to make it into an essential oil. The anti-vaxxer, stolen-election Facebook school board moms will love it! Crush it up with some water, come up with a professional, yet earthy sounding name like “Vital Soul Loam,” and Edmond moms will be dropping thousands for the chance to be a Gold Tier distributor. As an added bonus, at least one essential oil would finally have some sort of medical benefit.
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2. Hold a Church Bake Sale
Even atheists know that you’d have to be soulless to turn down someone’s grandma hawking homemade pies or a “Better Than Sex Cake” at a church bake sale. Give the old biddies a cause like, financing the youth group’s summer camp or upgrading the church kitchen’s ovens, and they’ll sell out of hydroxychloroquine in no time.
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3. Put it in the Hands of the Girl Scouts
Not homework, weather, nor a goddang global pandemic can keep Girl Scouts from meeting their sales goals and earning their annual booth badge. I’m sure they’d kick some ass in hydroxychloroquine sales, too, if they got a rainbow patch out of it.
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4. Make it Part of a Braum’s Combo
I would never intentionally buy chocolate pudding from a fast-food joint, but will willingly accept the side as a staple of the Braum’s Chicken Strip Dinner Combo. I’m sure the malaria drug will fair just as well, because no, we don’t want it. But we’re not going to ask you to remove it from our order if it just comes with it.
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5. Use the Facebook Market Place
If you can successfully sell used stripper heels and meat from an unknown source-mammal on the Facebook Marketplace, you can sell anything.
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6. Add Trump’s Name to It
As evidenced by the dozens of Trump insignia-plastered F150s I see when I make my weekly trip out of the house, Trump merchandise is still a hot commodity round these parts. So, it might help with marketing to slap his name on the drug. We already have Trump casinos, Trump underwear, and Trump sour gummies, so it wouldn’t be THAT big of a stretch. In the end, it seems it was his idea to use the medication as COVID-19 treatment anyway, which is probably why Stitt was so quick to stock up on it. When touting the drug, Trump reportedly encouraged us to give it a try, asking, “What do we have to lose?” Well, if you’re Oklahoma, $2 million.
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7. Package it into complex sub-prime mortgage derivatives
Instead of wasting his time losing court battles to Native American tribes and demanding students return to schools during a pandemic that he's done his best to absolutely mismanaged, maybe he can use his mortgage and financial expertise to unload the drug supply on the mortgage industry? Could be worth a shot.
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Hayley was the top Girl Scout cookie salesperson three years in a row. Follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek and become a contributing member of TLO here.
