As the bell tolled for 2020, a small baby entered through the large door and took the still smoldering cigarette out of the old man’s limp hands. Freshly dead with a hard-fought and completely lost battle now far behind him, as the tiny toddler ripped the sash that proclaimed “New Year’s 2021” off his chest, he got right to work fixing mankind’s mistakes.
I’m sure that’s what we’d like to imagine for the state of this brand new year, but with 2020 being such an absolute horrorshow, if I’m being honest, all I’m picturing is a continually burning America with a maniacal Trump screaming “No one gets out of here alive!” and firing two large machine guns on the globe, his errand boy Stitt masculinely holding his tiny bullet belt.
That being said, I have a few predictions for 2021 that, like the above, I hope don’t come true but, if they do, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Sarah Stitt Joins the Demolition Derby!
Governor Kevin Stitt’s wife Sarah has had her share of (almost) covered-up vehicular damage over the last month or so, leading her to be the smashingest and crashingest first lady Oklahoma has ever had the pleasure to see wreck again and again. In 2021, however, I see her leaving her husband and—is it 17? 24? 45?—children to become the most daring speed-demon of the demolition derby!
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Winter Weather Warnings Hit Hard This Summer!
As the ice hardened on the tree branches outside, as they bent and snapped, they seemed to take our neighborhood’s electricity out in this past cold snap, almost up to two extremely long weeks of no light or heat. But, with Oklahoma constantly spitting in the eye of climate change, in 2021 get ready for winter storm warnings in odd months such as June, July—taking August, surprisingly, off—and September!
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Eastern Oklahoma is a Hotbed of Hungry Cannibals!
After the arrest of the two sexiest would-be penis-eaters in Oklahoma, Bobby Lee Allen and Thomas Evan Gates, through the state’s crack investigative work and various calls to 911—at least I hope so—it soon becomes painfully aware that there is a living cabal of nightmarish cannibals living in the Eastern part of the state. Sadly, since they are feasting on the organs of various out-of-staters, Okies decides not to pursue.
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Remember the Tiger Hunter? Here Cums the Tiger Penetrator!
Former Tiger Hunter Joe Exotic might be sitting in a Fort Worth jail cell working on a 22-year prison sentence, but back in Wynnewood—emphasis on the wood—the newly-minted Joe Erotic, the Tiger Penetrator, is currently at work on his first feature Here Pussy Pussy, which will bring Oklahoma the gold at this year’s AVNs.
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Louis Fowler is Poisoned By Angered Former Restaurant Owner!
Wait…what?
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