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7 ways Oklahoma would be different if vaginas had as many rights as guns

5:58 AM EST on February 17, 2020

People have a lot of different opinions and viewpoints in regards to living in Oklahoma. For gun owners, the lax concealed carry regulations make Oklahoma feel like a wild west-inspired utopia. For vagina owners, the draconian anti-abortion bills, like HB 1182, make Oklahoma feel like a grim, abysmal dystopia. The bill, which aims to revoke doctors’ licenses if they perform abortions, would likely restrict Oklahomans’ rights to choose what is best for their own bodies.

Like a tiger watching Animal Planet in a zoo managed by Joe Exotic, I, a vagina owner, sit daydreaming of future that could be, if only I were granted a little more freedom on this earth.  Here are 7 things that would probably happen if vaginas had as many rights as guns in Oklahoma.

They’d probably get a lot more respect

Because with the passing of “constitutional carry” and this back-asswards abortion bill, it’s beginning to seem like a Glock 42 has been granted more civil liberties than your average vagina owner.


There wouldn’t be a waiting period

As of now, Oklahoma mandates a 72-hour waiting period for those seeking an abortion, which could seem like an eternity for someone whose life is in danger due to the pregnancy or finds out a rape has led to conception. If vaginas had the same rights as guns in this state, the wait time for the average abortion would be however long it takes the 18-year-old cashier at Atwoods to find a manager to ring up your Ruger.


Maintenance would be cheaper

At your average metro gun shop you can look at dropping between $20 and $40 for routine gun maintenance and inspection, depending on the size and make of your firearm. However, a pelvic exam performed by a physician in the metro costs around $110, which is a lot of money for someone without health insurance. God forbid you have both a gun and a vagina to maintain.


Vagina ownership wouldn’t seem as reckless

With all of these stupid, unconstitutional bills having made their way through the chamber over the last few years (here’s a few more), it seems like members of the state legislature believe that vagina-owners are reckless, illogical citizens and thus need to be regulated to the point of violating the “civil liberties” said lawmakers pretend to protect. Oh, how I long for the day that vagina-owners are able to have as much autonomy and little government involvement over their bodies as bubbas have over their military-grade arsenals stored in a dead freezer.


You could take it out at night

For some reason, it is considered to be “stupid” or “dangerous” for someone to be out walking alone late at night if they have a concealed vagina. However, it’s often considered to be “smart” or “safe” for people to be walking around at night with a concealed semi-automatic weapon.


It would be less taboo to talk about it

I bet I lost 25% of my readers after I dropped the second “vagina” in this blog post. I also bet most of those readers have no problem providing the gory details of their last hunting trip, but quickly change the channel anytime a bunch of carefree dancers are pouring mysterious blue liquid on a sanitary pad during the commercial break between their reruns of M*A*S*H.


Everyone would be more educated

Even though “constitutional carry” is a thing, you still have to sit through a 6-hour PowerPoint presentation to obtain your handgun license in Oklahoma. That may seem laughable, but being that 31% of Oklahomans own guns and Oklahoma has no requirement for children to receive comprehensive sex education (which should include information on things like reproductive health, anatomy, and reproductive rights), I wouldn’t doubt that the average Oklahoman probably knows more about semi-automatic weapons than vaginas.


Vagina, vagina, vagina. Follow Hayley on twitter @squirrellygeek

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