Happy Friday, you beautiful people! Welcome to this week’s TLO Lifestyle spread. Today we are talking about the latest trend in self-care: using oils. Many magazines and online blogs brag about the healing benefits of coconut oil and essential oils. However, no one is talking about the biggest secret in the oil industry: Cool Whip.
This miracle serum is a combination of life-sustaining water, healthy(ish) coconut and palm oils, and high fructose corn syrup, all of which provide small benefits that can make huge changes in your life. Now whether those changes are good or bad depends on if you buy name brand or Great Value whipped topping. So be prepared to add an item to your Sam’s Club shopping list, because here are the life changing benefits of Cool Whip.
Hair Care
Cool Whip’s light and fluffy texture makes it the perfect hair care product. For this benefit, gently scoop 3 ping pong ball sized dollops into your palm and work it gently into your scalp. Then take a small comb, preferably a fine tooth, and work the product into your hair. Putting the Cool Whip in your hair before bed and leaving it overnight is a great way to strengthen your hair and make sure the guy you hooked up with that night isn’t there the next morning.
Moisturizer
The first ingredient in Cool Whip is water. And what isn’t moisturizing about water? For this tip, you must first take your roommates toothbrush and dip it in the Cool Whip container. Then vigorously brush the dry area on the skin with the Cool Whip. This method is great for eliminating dry skin at the elbows, itchy forearms, and dandruff in Nigerian Milk Goats.
Stress Relief
The hustle and bustle in the age of convenience tends to make our days long, overwhelming, and gosh darn stressful. Thankfully, the healing powers of Cool Whip can melt the stress away faster than the container of Cool Whip you left in the back of your car melted on Memorial Day. Just fill your candle warmer with 2-19 tablespoons of Cool Whip, sit back, and breathe in the aroma of the liquidation. Let the sweet scent of nostalgia caress your nostrils as peaceful memories of making classic Cool Whip-infused desserts with your mom flood your memories.
*Note: This tip is not recommended for anyone who has a blog dedicated to their strained relationship with their mother. Those memories are not stress relieving.
Energy Booster
Cool Whip has calories and calories equal energy. With an entire container of Cool Whip consisting of 625 calories, it has a lot of energy to contribute to your whole day! So add a scoop or three of it to your coffee, midmorning fruit snacks, or other foods throughout the afternoon. You can even add a dollop to whatever crockpot meal you start before you go to work! Your family won’t even know you’ve added it until 3-7 months later when the diabetes symptoms start kicking in.
Teeth Whitener
Everyone’s heard of the miraculous dental benefits of coconut oil pulling. But have you heard of the whitening ability of Cool Whip? Simply put a couple of tablespoons on your index finger and rub it generously on your teeth. Once your teeth are coated, gaze into the mirror to see how white they are. Note: for continued whiteness, you will have to continuously apply throughout the day. But research suggests the cavities it may cause are still better than meth mouth.
Cleaner
Cool Whip is as good for household use as it is for your own body! Take a washcloth or a sponge and apply a wallop of Cool Whip. Then use it to wipe down mirrors, countertops, or your Precious Moments collectables to give them that porcelain shine. The oils in Cool Whip apply a sleek coating, while the sugars make sure you collect enough ants to replenish your kid’s ant farm. That way he can neglect it again.
This is in the satire section for a reason. Don’t listen to anything Hayley says. Instead follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek
