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10 Things Oklahoma Teachers Need in the Classroom More Than Spanking

7:10 AM EDT on April 17, 2018

Three or four weeks ago, Representative John Bennett, the Islamophobic state rep who is not seeking re-election so he can spend more time shooting guns with is family, had a solution for the recent peril in Oklahoma classrooms. Bennett claimed that it was not a lack of funding that was making teachers’ jobs so hard, but a lack of spanking at home and in the classroom. See teachers?  You walked out for no reason! Instead of pay raises and classroom funding, you just need paddles and a sadistic personality.

Many Oklahomans reacted to his statement with an overall cry of, “WTF.” So to help Bennett get a little more in touch with the reality of the situation, I have compiled a list of things classrooms need more than corporal punishment. So here are 10 things Oklahoma teachers need in the classroom more than spanking.

Vodka

Let’s do a little imaginational exposure here. Picture yourself sitting at your desk grading papers in a second grade class. To your right you see one kid pour Elmer’s glue on his palm so when it dries he can peel it off like snake skin.   To your left, another kid is farting into her hand. Between them are 27 other little sparkling rays of sunshine competing with each other over who can make the most realistic burp noise. And state testing is in two days. Now you kind of get it.  At least give them a way to cope.

A Live Buffalo

But Hayley, a live buffalo has no place in the classroom! It would be more distracting than helpful. Plus, it might actually hurt the kids. Same thing with spanking, yet here we are.

A Fry Daddy

Let’s face it. Being a school teacher is stressful. Being that drinking on the job is frowned upon (sorry teachers, you probably can't have vodka), stress eating is all that teachers have. They should at least get a Fry Daddy so they can have access to as many deep fried cheese curds and egg rolls as possible.

A Futon

Many teachers spend more waking hours at school than at their houses. Might as well make school a little more homey with a futon and maybe a salt lamp.

The Easter Bunny

The Easter Bunny or any fuzzy animal mascot would be helpful, really.  Kids go crazy for these sweaty teenagers stuffed inside of rented critter costumes. Hell, my friend Cody would dress up as Barney and spend an hour in your classroom for only $10 and a bottle of McCormicks with the intention of taking the students' attention away from you, the teacher, long enough for you to grade a handful of papers, eat your lunch, or apply for a Quick Trip baker position.

A Dairy Queen

Name one teacher who would prefer spanking over having a Dairy Queen in the classroom. I’ll wait.

Oklahoma Lawmakers

Despite about 97% of them running on a campaign promise to bring funding to Oklahoma classrooms, our lawmakers have done approximately jack shit for our teachers. Might as well make them earn their keep by giving them a job in the classroom. Make them teach an hour of sex ed to middle school kids and we’ll see how quickly you teachers get their raises.

A Box Full of Salamanders

Like a live buffalo, this would also be more distracting than helpful. But unlike said buffalo or spanking, this would not be a hurtful thing to have in a classroom.

Mr. Feeny

Boy Meets World’s Mr. Feeny was the most inspirational teacher on television, so if only he could lend his wisdom and sense of fashion to Oklahoma school teachers! Because if he can convince Eric Matthews to give up his dream of becoming a basic cable weatherman to return to school, he can surely to God convince your 8th grade biology class to stop giggling about the one time you mispronounced “organism.”

Funding

Smaller class sizes, adequate materials, and fair compensation all belong in Oklahoma classrooms more than spanking.  But by how much they ignored the state wide walkout, I guess our lawmakers disagree.

But really, Hayley's sister-in-law could really use the funding to buy social studies books for her class.  If you're as bitter as she is, follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek

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