Happy Valentine’s week, everyone! Hopefully you already have your date lined out for the 14th. If not, C&R Liquor in Edmond has 10% off of wine this Wednesday. Everyone knows that dating can be difficult. There seems to be a lot of societal pressure when it comes to wooing women. So to make your job a little easier and possibly get you laid this Valentine’s Day, I have used my 26 years of experience as a female to make a list of ways to win over an Oklahoma woman’s heart.
Make the First Move
FACT. 98% of Life Time movies suggest that the only thing women are looking for on a date is marriage material. And what is a big indicator of that trait? Commitment. So show your prospective date just how committed you are by proposing immediately instead of asking her out. Who knows? This could work so well that they may make a Life Time movie about you one day. Whether it will be in the romance or horror genre, that’s up to you to decide.
Hire Her
With 14% of office romances eventually resulting in marriage, the workplace seems to be a treasure trove of eventual spouses. It can also be the source of a steamy affair. According to Kirk Humphreys, if you hire an attractive secretary you will eventually hook up. However, this advice is probably only applicable to straight, white, wrinkly old dudes who sold their souls to corporations sometime between 1969 and 1997.
Pay Attention to Her
It is important to let her know that you find her interesting. Knowing her favorite brand of lipstick, just how many teaspoons of sugar she likes in her coffee, and which counties she has active warrants in will help her know that you care.
But Don’t Pay Too Much Attention to Her
No girl likes a partner who is too clingy. If you stalked her Instagram enough to know that she was runner-up in the Miss Elk City pageant in 2014, that’s one thing. Knowing her blood type before the first date is another.
Write a Sweet Note
Sometimes it is nerve-racking to make the first move. So if you are worried you’ll get too jittery when asking her out on a date, write her a cute note instead. But to save you the embarrassment of rejection in case she isn’t into you, hide your handwriting by cutting out letters from magazines and sending the love note anonymously. If she falls in love with your words, reveal yourself as the author. If she calls the cops, burn off your fingerprints.
Be a Woman
Some guys just can’t get the girl because the girl likes girls. Some guys just can’t get the girl because the guys choose to wear fedoras out in public.
Pray for a Partner
In high school, my grandma gave me a book on how to find a good, catholic husband. The recommendation that was reiterated throughout the text was the importance of praying for God to reveal to you your eventual spouse. However, I must have prayed to the wrong god because I eventually ended up with a non-Catholic heathen. So learn from my mistakes and try praying to one of the non-Christian deities to see if that works.
Pay for Things
Pick up the tab after dinner. Buy her a cup of coffee on her lunch break. Make a $5,000 principal payment on her student loan debt. I know that would win this woman’s heart.
Compliment Her
Ladies love a good compliment. But in order to separate you from the other desperate men looking for affection, you have to make your compliments creative and specific. Comment on how hard she worked to get that promotion. Tell her that her smile lights up your life like the Oklahoma sunset. Point out that her hips remind you of your mother’s, which could bear many children. Just remember, make it creative and specific and you can’t go wrong.
Give Her Food and Tell Her She’s Awesome
It does not matter if this woman is Christian, atheist, white, black, goth, nerd, gay, straight, or anything in between. You give her food and tell her she’s awesome at least once per day and she is yours.
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Let Hayley know if these actually work. Then follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek
