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Hey Oklahoma! This is how you’re (probably) going to die!

Pop a Metoprolol and take an extra spritz of nitroglycerin, my gravy-wallowing and fried-food snorting Okies, because according to a new study released by the CDC, if you’re lucky enough, your heart is probably going to get clogged up and explode inside your chest like your daddy and your daddy’s daddy before him. It’s an Oklahoma tradition!

No matter how healthy we, as a state, think we are, these not-all-that-startling findings by the Center for Disease Control –released in the form of an easy to read infographic—show the “most distinct causes of death in each state,” all of which make an ample amount of heavy-breathing sense considering we, as a proud people, have found ways to veganize chicken fried steak and consider ranch more important to a salad than, say, tomatoes.

It was only a matter of time before even our healthiest of showroom citizens were forced to face these same truths the bovine and/or porcine majority of us have to live—and, ultimately, die—with on a daily basis. Welcome to the intensive care unit, holmes…now pass the hospital-grade fried okra and the GoFundMe account to help get that stint in your chest paid for.

From some website called the Matador Network:

But what does “most distinctive cause of death” mean? This map is a measure of the cause of death most overly represented in a state compared to the national rate. For instance, while Oklahoma contains only 1% of the US population, it made up for 24% of deaths attributable to “other acute ischemic heart diseases” between 2001 and 2010.

 So what are “other acute ischemic heart diseases”, you ask nervously. Well, if you talk to any one of my numerous cardiologists—thanks, Indian Health Services!—they’d probably hand you a pamphlet that defines ischemic heart disease as a poetic endearment for coronary artery disease or “hardening of the arteries,” wherein cholesterol plaque builds up in the arteries of the heart and cause “ischemia,” which is when the heart isn’t getting enough blood flow and oxygen. In order to arrive at this finding, the CDC used this equation:

Geez…just looking at that gave me palpitations. I hope that isn’t on the final. Still, can we admit that death by ischemic heart disease, while wholly expected, is kind of a lame way to snuff it and that we should really be trying harder to die cooler, preferably as a state? Maybe over the next few years we change those numbers to something far more awesome and nationally unrelatable like religion-based rattlesnake bites or farm-related lime-pit dissolvings…but, chances are, it’ll be something dumb like scurvy or rickets.

That being said, good job on the tuberculosis, Texas!

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