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Obedient, Attractive, and Dumb: A Guide on Being a Proper Oklahoma Woman

6:17 AM EST on January 16, 2018

Former Oklahoma City mayor and current bigoted ass-hat Kirk Humphreys has been in some hot water lately for comments he made on homosexuality and, more recently, women’s role in society. It seems like Kirk Humphreys believes that many Oklahoma women aren’t living up to their full potential as good, Christian wives and mothers. So to help other Oklahomans with lady brains understand our expectations, I have created a guide for right living based on Kirk Humphreys’ comments about women. So here are ten ways to be a proper Oklahoma woman.

But consult your husband and father first to make sure it is okay to read this.

Don’t pretend like your identity matters

A big mistake that many Oklahoma women make is living as if they have their own identity, even after they are married and have children. It is appalling to think of how many wives and mothers continue to identify as “artists,” “doctors,” and “executives” for months and sometimes even years after they give themselves fully to their husbands. So ladies, when you marry make sure to take his last name, his accomplishments, and his credit cards as your own.

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Only be in heterosexual relationships

If there is no man in the relationship, how will women know to whom to submit? Eventually the women are going to go bankrupt and starve because without a man there is no one in the household smart enough to hold a job or make the decision to pay bills on time.

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Be willing to live on one income

Humphreys said that a big problem in families is the unwillingness to live off of one income. Women would rather afford to pay bills, save for their children’s college, and have a fulfilling life outside of the home than live a good, Christian life as a housewife. Remember, even if you choose to be a housewife it doesn't count if your husband doesn't make the decision for you. So ladies, if your husband can’t support your family, it is his responsibility to work more hours. It doesn’t matter if it takes his time away from the children because fathers are too smart and accomplished to parent anyway.

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If you have to work, be a secretary

If you are too dumb to budget your husband’s income correctly and have to work, take a secretary job. It is the only career Kirk Humphreys seems to think women can handle without screwing everything up.

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Don’t be fat and ugly

Nobody likes a fat or ugly woman. Especially Kirk Humphreys. Women in Oklahoma have to be pretty and skinny in order to make it in the corporate environment or else Humphreys won’t even let you borrow an ink pen.

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But do be old and ugly

Though you have to be pretty and skinny in order to get the materials you need to perform your job properly, it is important to not be too pretty and skinny. In fact, unless you are "old and ugly," you may be in danger of your male supervisor’s dick jumping out of his pants and writing you a termination notice for being too distracting in the workplace. Even though having a dick in the office is distracting in itself.

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Be honest, but not about your feelings

Kirk Humphreys seems to think women are mysterious creatures with fewer neurons than a jellyfish. Humphreys believes it is hard to know what women are thinking, "if they are thinking at all." So women, be open and honest with your husbands. Tell them when you are feeling hurt, misunderstood, or… Wait. Your husbands don’t have time to deal with something as ridiculous as human feelings. If you’re going to be honest, keep your estrogen leaking emotions out of the conversation.

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Save your intellect for your home

Humphreys believes that women who seek employment outside of the home are less intelligent than those who chose to stay home. But in reality, both groups of women are equally inferior to the intelligence of men. That being said, your lady brain is way more suited for household work like dishes, laundry, and watching enough murder mystery shows to get some good ideas.

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Let your husband make the decisions for you

Even though the home is where your intelligence will shine, you still have the tendency to screw up. So when your husband comes home, let him take over the decision-making. Humphreys knows that any attempt by women to make a decision will only “confuse us, alarm us, make us pull back.” So rather than becoming overwhelmed by decision-making and getting your lady emotions going, let your husband decide what you’re having for dinner, what to name your children, and when your vagina will be needed.

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Be honored when a random man greets you dick first in the mall

Ladies, if you choose to take your lady parts outside of the home, know that you are putting yourself out there for Kirk Humphreys to see. So be honored if you see him hiding behind the plastic grass plants at Quail Springs Mall sneaking a peek at your figure. And whatever you do, don’t call the cops.

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Whether you are a housewife, working, or living in a van down by the river eating government cheese, you have a boss lady brain. Follow Hayley on twitter like a good wife follows her husband @squirrellygeek.

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