20 Dumbest Oklahoma People, Places and Things of 2017 (Part IV)
12:48 PM EST on December 22, 2017
We've reached the top 5 of our first ever countdown of the 20 Dumbest Oklahoma People, Places and Things of 2017. This was a fun list to put together, and much like Ogle Madness, Monday Morning Tweets and typos, it will become a regular TLO tradition.
Check out the top 5 below:
5. OSU Motorcycle Brahs
I think we've all seen enough fights at Graham's to know that you shouldn't mess with hillbilly trailer park trash from rural Oklahoma. They're tough, no nonsense men and women who live in pack-like units where family trees run in straight lines, and like sandpeople, move in single file to hide their numbers.
Back in September, a pack of douchebag OSU Motorcycle Brahs learned this the hard way when they decided to confront some guy for allegedly cutting them off. A few minutes later, they found themselves staring down a shotgun by Yosemite Sam's slow cousin while their road warrior leader was getting his ass kicked while wearing a motorcycle helmet. It was a beautiful, dumb thing to watch.
4. OU Cheerleader Prostitute and Ex-Football Player Pimp
Earlier this year, we kind of broke the double-whammy story that a former OU cheerleader was arrested on prostitution charges, and a former OU football player was her pimp. OSU fans celebrated the news by awarding their football team the 1932 National Championship. Oklahoma lawmakers even honored them at the capitol.
2017 was a PR nightmare of a year for Oklahoma's favorite chain of poor ice cream and dairy store – Braum's.
They kicked things off in May by nonchalantly reducing the size of their signature 1/3 hamburger to standard 1/4-pound patty and then pretending like nothing happened. They also made changes to their once-delicious milkshakes and malts recipe. The moves sent cheap, chubby, obese and even some skinny people into a social media commenting, scale-busting outrage, which, of course, Braum's underestimated and mishandled like a large drive-thru order.
Then in August, the company made the ill-advised decision to enter into an agreement to destroy the Donnay Building to make way for another Braum's. The response from the alcoholic north Oklahoma City counterculture was strong, swift and vocal. They organized protests and started a boycott Braum's movement. The outrage paid off. With pressure mounting and the city not rubber stamping a rezoning protest, Braum's waved the white flag in defeat and abandoned the project. They're now focusing all company efforts on making more menu changes that consumers would hate.
2b. Charles McCall
2c. 2017 legislative session
I've written probably 50,000 words this year about Mary Fallin, Charles McCall, and the disastrous, accomplish-nothing-but-shame 2017 Oklahoma legislative session. Trust me on this – they are all dumb. In fact, they're so dumb that I couldn't determine which to rank ahead of the other. It would be like choosing which testicle you want chopped off with an ice pick, so I gave them all co-honors.
Seriously, if you want to know why Oklahoma seems to rank last in everything, look no further than these ideological puppets for Oklahoma's oil overlords and the establishment ruling class. They worship money first, power second, and ineptitude third. They're so anti-government that, surprise surprise, they're basically destroying our government. They've done an amazing job of leading Oklahoma into the toilet and making sure we stay there.
1. Oklahoma Lawmaker Sex Scandals
What was your favorite Oklahoma lawmakers sex scandal of 2017? Was it Dan Kirby's sexual harassment allegations and the secret settlement to keep it quiet? Was it Will Fourkiller being accused of sexual harassment and ordered to stay away from high school girls? Was it Bryce Marlatt and his alleged assault of an Uber driver? Or was it Ralph "Go Make Me A Sandwich" Shortey getting busted with a 17-year-old male prostitute in a hotel room? The fact that's even a question is legitimately disturbing, and in my opinion, a well deserved dumbest thing for Oklahoma in 2017.