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5 Tips on Avoiding the Oklahoma Flu Outbreak

3:27 AM EST on December 8, 2017

Young woman giving coffee mug to man

According to an explosive news report on KFOR last night, 135 Oklahomans have been hospitalized and two are dead due to the influenza virus that has hit the Sooner State and that number is expected to grow over the next couple of weeks. With symptoms that range from severe aches and pains in muscles and joints, notable fatigue and weakness, headaches and a high fever, the virus can leave a person unable to function for days and even weeks, so early prevention is the best key. Always in your corner, here’s TLO’s five tips for avoiding the Oklahoma Flu Outbreak this year.

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1. Avoid Flu Shots

Much like immunizations for children, the government uses flu shots to keep us docile and dumbed-down, injecting recipients with a manufactured strain of the virus meant to destroy sperm production, in essence, as a form of population control. It’s the New World Order’s way of keeping the American sheeple corralled and ready to be used as cannon fodder and movable foodstuffs for the elites when the Beast of Revelations—a pawn of the Bilderbergs, natch—finally comes to bloody power.

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2. Throw Your Children Away

Known throughout history as demonic playgrounds for sickness and disease, many of us contract influenza from children who’ve come in contact with the dreaded virus at school, church or coal mines. Doctors suggest to immediately dispose of any children you might have living in your home during flu season to decrease your risk of catching said virus and passing it on to other adults. Oklahoma City has special days set aside, designated by zip code, for easy child disposal. Check your utility bill for more info. You can always make more children, but there’s only one of you.

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3. Remove Your Hands

Most sicknesses, flu or otherwise, usually come from our own unwashed, diseased hands mindlessly touching our moist, waiting mouths, those germ-drenched fingers coating our supple lips and heat-seeking tongue with millions of reproducing microbes, providing the perfect breeding ground for any number of internal infestations. A surefire way to avoid this tragedy is to have your hands permanently removed, preferably by an accredited professional with more than a decade in the business.

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4. Drain the Life of Your Enemies

Drain Life does 1 damaged to single target for each B spent in addition to the casting cost. Caster gains 1 life for each damage inflicted. If you drain life from a creature, you cannot gain more life that the creature’s toughness.

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5. Plastic Bubble Yourself

When all else fails, the only true surefire way to avoid sickness during influenza season is to hermetically seal yourself off from society much like John Travolta in the 1976 made-for-TV movie The Boy in the Plastic Bubble. While you will remain germ-free and healthy living in these newfound sterile surroundings, should you find love and decide to exit said bubble to go horseback riding on the beach, your dangerously compromised immune system with shut down within hours leading to an imminent death, but at least you would have known what it is to live, even if for a one brief minute, dammit.

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Pass the Tussin. Follow Louis on Twitter at @LouisFowler.

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