5 Things Adults Can Do Again Now That School Has Started

9:16 AM EDT on August 3, 2017

This week, apparently Oklahoma City Public Schools have opened their impoverished and failing doors to the Metro’s insufferable lot of tots, tweens and teens for another school year of uncertainty and unaccountability. And while that might suck for area youth, it’s a real cry of freedom for people such as myself who are easily intimidated and mostly irritated by a city overrun with children who’s every whim is catered to, thoroughly disrupting my sad and single life for a good two or so months.

As of this week, however, that’s all over until, at the very least, fall break. For despairingly childless people like myself and others disturbingly like me, here’s five things that we can do once again now that school’s back in session and those hooligans, ruffians and scalawags are off the streets and back in the classroom.

Hanging Out at the Park

One of life’s many joys is taking a noon-time walk through the park, either with your best canine pal or by yourself, using the time as quiet refection and spiritual meditation before spending the rest of the afternoon staring at a computer screen. Sadly, many park developers have set their benches way too close to the playground area and, especially if you’re an overweight and unattractive single guy, taking a few minutes to sit your tired bones down and maybe even enjoy a poorly-made pimento cheese sandwich anywhere near children warrants the hysterical attention of stay-at-home helicopter moms who scream and point with all the reptilian ferocity of Donald Sutherland at the end of Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

Now that the kids are back in school, however, it’s nice to be able to not only saunter through the park to stretch the legs, but, as in the case of this week’s light rain, even breaking out the ol’ London Fog trenchcoat without fear of being accused of flashing toddlers in the sandbox. There’s time to maybe even take in a quick shower at the splash pad before they shut it off for good.

Go to G-Rated Movies

Usually, you’ll see me at R-Rated movies, thoroughly enjoying the sex and violence like any near-40 year old man should. Sometimes, though, there’s a G or PG-rated movie that piques the interest, good or bad, and as much as you’d like to see it, the MPAA rating and its stigma keeps you justifiably away—there’s few things creepier than that overweight and unattractive single dude sitting amongst the scads of children during a packed screening of Boss Baby at Northpark. Prepare to have a pimply 16-year-old usher with a walkie-talkie and an unearned sense of justice keep an eagle-eye on you from over the partition for a good hour and a half.

Now that the kids are back in school, however, it’s nice to be able to have the absolute freedom to say “One adult for Boss Baby!” without fear of inappropriate accusations and nervous stares, fully enjoying Alec Baldwin’s animated portrayal of a baby who is also a boss, if you can believe it, while you pull multiple gas-station hot dogs from those deep cargo shorts pockets.

Have a Quiet Lunch at Chuck E. Cheese

Almost every Wednesday, I get that thrown together mess of coupons and circulars in my mailbox and almost every Wednesday, there’s a money-saving coupon to my local Chuck E. Cheese Pizza Parlor and Funtertaiment Emporium. Two large pizzas, a pitcher of soda and twenty bucks in tokens for only $29.99? Sign me up…or not. I mean, will that girl who stamps your hand even let in an overweight and unattractive single guy without children, especially during a school-free week where multiple birthdays are scheduled? Not if an arms-folded and intensely glaring Pasqually P. Pieplate has anything to say sing about it. All I want is some ‘za, brah!

Now that the kids are back in school, however, it’s nice to be able to be there right as they unlock the doors, the only sounds buzzing through the pizza-charged air that of the ding-dongs and ring-dings of the various arcade games running through their cycles. Proudly order up a couple of large pepps and make sure you don’t get shortchanged on them tokens—that OKC Thunder Nerf-like Football is finally yours today, son!

Take Your Shirt Off at White Water

Even though we are taught from a young age to love ourselves and all of our body’s imperfections, we all know that is a total and complete lie when, in reality, we should be deeply ashamed and cover up our grotesque visage at all times, lest the youthful cruelties of mass ridicule ruin an already difficult day; difficult in that you’ve been invited to White Water and would love to participate in the wet n’ wild good times, but, as an overweight and unattractive single guy do you even dare take off that fabric-stretching 3XL t-shirt that doubles as a clingy, tit-enhancing security blanket of sorts?

Now that the kids are back in school, however, the park is empty and God’s mistakes like us can finally uncover our elephantine torsos and mildly enjoy the park the way it was meant to be: shirtless, fleshy, and preferably via a discount admission with a specially-marked Pepsi can.

Catching Some Zzzzzzs in the Children’s Section of the Public Library

With its prime selection of large pillows and stuffed animals, there’s few ways better to waste the day away than patronizing the local public library by grabbing a stack of books and finding a nice area of the comfy children’s section to lie back and make a spot your own; but try taking a little bit of literary “me time” in the summertime when you’re, you guessed it, overweight and unattractive and snore with such a horrific growl that it’ll have children psychologically moving from “Goodnight Moon” to “Get Behind Me Satan” with the quivering fear of a novice priest.

Now that the kids are back in school, however, the Summer Reading Program has had the book closed on it for the year and, with the exception of the dumped children that the usual cadre of terrible mothers who use the joint as a daycare center while they head off to a yoga sesh at Curves just set and forget, people will pretty much leave you alone, especially when your fellow homeless bunkmates are just trying to catch a well-earned break from the heat as well. Thanks for the tax-dollars, guey.