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Oklahoma State Capitol Gift Shop Gift Guide

4:32 AM EDT on June 1, 2017

The State Capitol is in such as sad state of affairs, both inside and out. From the wholly embarrassing past couple of weeks as both sides of the aisle couldn’t come to a compromise on the budget, with only the people of Oklahoma truly losing in the end, to the edifice itself, filled with steel girders and scaffolding, part of a three-year project to restore the literally crumbling building that, as of late, has started to cave in upon itself.

I imagine that, beyond the Pepsodent smiles on the mailers and television commercials, the State Capitol must be a soul-crushing trudge for its many employees, with only the thought of what kick-backs and bribes and free lobbyist lunches they might receive today the main mitigating factor for even crawling out of bed. From the Governor herself to, as I would learn, the very gift-shop of the Capitol, nowhere or no-one was safe from this political ennui.

The original idea was to pick out a few gifts from the Capitol gift-shop and maybe dedicate them to certain lawmakers as a reminder of why they were put there and what their job is. But, as soon as I entered that dimly-lit area that was more welcoming desk that store, it became apparent that the rottenness of Denmark extended further that imagined, via hideous shirts, overpriced trinkets and staid novelties even a grade-school kid on a field trip with a ten-dollar bill burning a hole in his pocket would effortlessly leave untouched.

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As soon as you are walked in, you’re greeted by this. It’s the type of “cool” souvenir shirt that Grandma brings you back from her vacation while all of your siblings get Lego sets and video games.

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They’re called “throw” pillows, not “throw up” pillows, right? Because this is what it would look like if the state of Oklahoma came home drunk and puked all over the couch.

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There’s a certain type of woman who’d love this hat, and she just smoked her last Basic Menthol 100 while playing the Sex and the City machine at Thunderbird.

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“Oh my God…it’s a cookbook! It’s a cookbook!

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“Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain. And the wavin' asparagus can sure smell…”

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That explains the overabundance of dreamcatcher merchandise and daughters in headdresses.

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Plenty of untouched copies left.

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“Oh my God…it’s a cookbook! It’s a cookbook!”

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Yes, not only does the State Capitol sell confections made to look like bovine feces, it’s on sale two for one. At least it would be if the credit card machines were working. Much like many things in that historic building, apparently they were down today and no one knows when it’ll be back up and running, if ever. So bring cash, I guess. ¡Cómpralo ya!

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Follow Louis on Twitter at @LouisFowler.

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