People have always given me grief about the way I eat my hamburgers.
You see, because my father was a longtime police officer, he told me to always check your burger layer by layer because you never know who’s going to spit in it. Subsequently, if you’re ever eating delicious burgers with me, you’ll notice I’m doing it up layer—bun, tomato, cheese, meat, etc.—by layer, confirming that each level of that flame-broiled taste sensation lacks things that will gross you out in the morning.
It’s something that you’d think any officer of the law, especially these days, would be extra wary of, but apparently not Oklahoma City police officer Shawn Byrne. He claims that employees at the Taco Bell at W. Hefner and N. Rockwell put “cologne and spicy chipotle in his steak quesadilla, causing severe burns to his throat,” according to a report from notable Louis Fowler-lover Brianna Bailey in her “Oklahoma City Vice” column…
Shawn Byrne claims his "tongue, throat and the roof of his mouth began burning" after the third bite of the quesadilla. His mouth and eye were still burning the next morning, so he went to the doctor. An examination revealed "burned spots on his throat," Shawn Byrne claim in his lawsuit…
…the police officer kept the rest of the sandwich and had it tested, which showed it contained cologne and a "high concentration of pepper," the lawsuit claims. Shawn Byrne reported the spicy quesadilla to Oklahoma City Police, who further investigated.
I’m no Sherlock Holmes myself, but this trained detective didn’t notice things weren’t kosher when he unwrapped his quesadilla and was hit with the immediate scent of Blue Ocean, the Dollar Tree knock-off of Cool Water? Pro-tip: I’ve been served enough “off” food at Taco Bell to know you always give it the ol’ one-two sniff-sniff before going down on it. If that smell coming off your chalupa is reminiscent of the dancefloor at Groovies, you’ve been doused, my man.
As for the severe burns to the mouth and throat, consider yourself lucky. The rest of have to deal with that from the other end after eating most Taco Bell products, so you got off light, hoss. But, even then, after all of the internal bodily injuries a ribald night of running for the border might have ever caused me, I’ve still managed to show up for work the next day. Not Officer Byrne…
The police officer claims he could not work because of the burns and has had to take more than 127 hours of sick leave from the police department and has also missed 68 hours of extra jobs that were scheduled. Less than two weeks after eating the sandwich, Shawn Byrne developed appendicitis and had to have surgery, which his doctor said could have been caused or exacerbated by the spicy quesadilla.
So this po-po gets a little Axe Body Spray and some hot peppers in his cheesy tortillas and he misses a week of shifts? I’m no doctor, but that sounds a little…let’s just say I bet he’s used a similar pepper-flavored spray to take down perps by shooting it directly into their eyes, nose and mouth and they still showed up at work that day. Occupy capsicum, I guess.
If the accused Taco Bell employees did do this—and let’s be honest, they probably did—it’s still kind of your fault. When you’re a police officer, like my father told me, you don’t have any friends, especially in the fast food industry. So to all you rookies out there, let me give you the posthumous advice a 50+ year officer of the law once gave me: “Either make it yourself or expect to eat spit. Then show up a closing time and crack the back of their skull open with a billy jack.”
Hey, I never said he was a good cop.
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One of the girls who works night at the Taco Bell at NW 23rd and N. Robinson truly believes I am Ron Jeremy. Follow Louis on Twitter at @LouisFowler.
