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Sweet Home Oklahoma recap: Episode Three

8:45 AM EDT on March 28, 2017

Last week, the Sweet Home Oklahoma gang spent most of episodes one and two driving around Nichols Hills, going on blind dates to Cheever's and sipping iced tea at the Power House. This week they decided to mix things up by going to the number one home-away-from-home for white Nichols Hills residents – Grand Lake. Unfortunately, none of them swam in blue algae.

The episode, which is titled Hanky Pranky, begins with White Chick #2 and her college-aged nephew picking up Josh Neckbeard (the man on the show) for their trip to Grand Lake. I guess White Chick#1 and Pumps were meeting them there.

After hopping in the car, the trio immediately has an important discussion about pubic hair preferences with their nephew. They do this because nothing is off limits to those crazy, real-life characters on Sweet Home Oklahoma.

While all this is happening, Toots or Pumps or whatever they call her, is driving around the state of Oklahoma trying to find Grand Lake. She literally yells "Take me to Grand Lake" to Siri, hoping it will magically give her directions to the one cabin on the 46,500-acre lake where her friends are staying. During this "hysterical" scene, we learn that her kids set up Siri to call Pumps "butt licker." They must have attended Casady or Heritage Hills.

While Pumps is lost, Blonde #2 plays a prank on Blonde #1 by tricking her to look at people on boats through binoculars. Blonde #1 doesn't know they mascara painted around the rims. I guess it's revenge for the time Blonde #1 crashed Blonde #2's blind date. Golly gee, these ladies are crazy! I want to drink a Rosé with them so bad...

After driving through Henryetta, stopping by the "Shrine of the Infant Baby Jesus" in Prague and probably taking a shit on the Heavener Runestone, Pumps arrives at the Grand Lake cabin. Everyone is excited that crazy old Pumps made it. Then we cut to commercial.

After seeing commercials for The Zookeeper's Wife and Imposters, which reminds me I'm probably watching the wrong television network, the gang hits up Grand Lake's esteemed "Monkey Island Bar." They all decide to wear bland OKC graphic t-shirts that they probably bought at Blue 7 or some pop up shop the day before.

Party Pooper Pumps then leaves so she can go home and probably take a dump. Everyone else quickly follows, and Blonde #2, for some unknown reason, puts on a taco dress.

At this point, I thought they were going to talk about pubic hair again, but Blonde #1 and Blonde #2 instead devise a plan to prank Pumps. They're going to hide plastic snakes in Pumps' bed!

Unfortunately, the prank doesn't work. I guess watching a TV crew film you friends hiding plastic snakes in your bed ruins the joke. Then, in what's not really a prank but just an assholey thing to do it, they fire off a blowhorn in Pumps' ear as she's trying to sleep. Pumps get mad and storms over to a neighbor's house. At this point, I think I'm secretly being shown a dark, demented women-version of Impractical Jokers, minus the fun and laughs.

The next morning, the gang is out on the deck playing nice and laughing about the night before. Josh Neckbeard then gives the quote of the night:

"How did we resort to bullhorn pranks? That's a little 8th 9th grade'ish."

Dude, you're on a Bravo reality show. That’s how.

Pumps takes the jet ski out on the lake for a little and R&R, and everyone watches and cheers. Next, everyone starts packing up to head home. As the closing music plays and credits begin to roll, Pumps gets lost again while driving. She yells to her phone "Where am I?" Siri responds with "Sorry, Butt Licker. I didn't get that." Yes, that's right. The phone called her butt licker....again. They say the darndest things on Sweet Home Oklahoma.

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