It's not ever morally justified, but you can dig up thousands of excuses to cheat on your significant other in Oklahoma. Maybe you were one of the people who got married too young and helped make Oklahoma number 4 in the nation for teen marriages. Perhaps you want to find some new excitement while not contributing to our state's nation-leading divorce rates. Your partner might support a different collegiate sports team and you have too much pride to fuck a Cowboy's fan anymore. Or hey, maybe you're just a total asshole who has no regard for anyone else's feelings.
Whatever your reason for having an affair, I don't condone it, but I'm not gonna snitch. Here's a list of the top places in the Oklahoma City metro where you can take your Ashley Madison date without getting caught:
1. Flip's Wine Bar
Any time I go to Flip's, I can usually spot at least one table where a couple is having an affair. They're sitting towards the back, being grossly physically affectionate, and seem generally too interested in each other's company to actually be in a relationship.
It's always very dimly-lit at night, the booze isn't too expensive, and they have pasta, which everyone knows is the sexiest food. Get a nice bottle of malbec, a big ol' plate of linguine, and meet up with your date before you get your extramarital fuck on.
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2. Oklahoma City Zoo
Humans are one of the few animal species that stay monogamous for life, and some research says that it may not be natural for us. You can tell yourself that while you hold hands with that cute guy from the office on a slow weekday afternoon at the zoo. The unbridled sexual energy of all the caged animals should get you in the proper mood. You can get one of those wax elephant molds from the machine to have as a keepsake to commemorate your degenerate liason.
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3. Old Paris Flea Market
There is no place in OKC like Old Paris. Where else can you find bootleg t-shirts, brass knuckles, live animals, and bongs shaped like skeletal jesters? It's the perfect place to bring your sweetie, and then pick up a present for your wife so she doesn't suspect that you're a heartless, cheating shell of a human being. In between shopping for switchblades and incense, enjoy an illicit Tecate at the bar, and don't forget to pick up a mixtape from Lil Mike and Funny Bone to jam while you're boning your mistress.
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4. Junior's
It doesn't matter what time of day it is, Junior's is the darkest place in town. You'll be sitting across from the man who isn't your husband and won't be able to tell if he's even handsome or not, which makes it the perfect place for Tindr meet-ups. Sip on a classic cocktail, breathe in 40 years of cigarette smoke, and play footsie with the man who will cause so stomach-churning regret and turmoil when your husband finds out and your marriage dissolves like a sugarcube into a Sazerac.
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5. Oklahoma City Blue game
A date at an OKC Thunder game is always memorable and thrilling. But good seats are expensive, as are the drinks, and you run the risk of getting caught on the Love's Kiss Cam smooching somebody that you're not supposed to be with.
The most exciting dates are the ones that are off the beaten path, so why not bring that old flame you've reconnected with on Facebook to the Cox Convention Center and check out a Blue game? You'll get to see almost-NBA-level talent in a 90% empty arena. You can buy lower bowl center court tickets for $40 and watch guys you've never heard of play basketball while groping someone who will leave you emotionally and physically stranded at the first sign of trouble. Priceless!
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6. Trosper Park
It's just a really lovely park. I don't know what you've heard about it, but it just seems like a nice place to discreetly hook-up, ya know?
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7. Chuck E Cheese
This place seriously has everything. You can take your wife's sister out for a good time without breaking the budget. They've got pizza, chicken wings, beer and entertainment. Show off your prowess at air hockey so she knows what kind of man she'll get at the nearby Holiday Inn. Try to win enough tickets to buy her some pencil toppers or Sweet Tarts. And you'll be able to relate with the restaurant's mascot because you're both a pair of dirty rats.
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Where do you like to fool around, OKC? Leave your callous, heartless suggestions in the comments!
