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Breaking News: Patricia’s opens at 9am on Valentine’s Day

10:56 AM EST on February 12, 2016

We have some breaking news to report, Moles.

We have learned via the Ogle Mole Network that Patricia's, a locally owned chain of Christian book stores, will open early at 9am on Sunday to help everyone celebrate Valentine's Day. Store specials will include 50% off frames, 30% off t-shirts and 20% off bibles with custom engraving. Stop by and see them!

Okay, I lied. Patricia's is what we like to call an "Adult Boutique." They sell those products that everyone from Joe Exotic to Emily Sutton to Sally Kern keep hidden in their nightstand. The specials I mentioned were actually for Mardel. Something tells me they're probably not open on Sunday.

I'm telling you this "breaking news" for a couple of reasons:

1. It's a pretty big deal. Patricia's, which as we all know has seven convenient Oklahoma locations to serve you, generally opens at 1pm on Sunday. They do this so their employees can have brunch, nurse a hangover and clean all the lube out of their system. I think this is like only the 3rd or 8th or 50th time in the chain's history that they've opened early on Sunday, so it's a rare event.

2. We love Patricia's! If you're a longtime reader of TLO, you're probably aware that Patricia's is a longtime supporter of TLO. They know a debauchee audience when they see one! They've been with us through good and bad, thick and thin, and wet and dry. We first got acquainted with Patricia's back when they sponsored Clark Matthews's annual "Masquerade of the Midnight Inamorata" – Hey, a Clark Matthews reference! – and provided 50 Candy Pecker Pacifiers for all the guests:

Screen Shot 2016-02-12 at 10.32.23 AM

They actually taste really good. I'd recommend the sour apple.

Anyway, If you're looking to spice up your Valentine's Day, or simply can't afford the Internet and want to buy some porn, you should make Patricia's your one-stop shop. The staff is alway nice and courteous, and they even have the brand new We Vibe 4:

we vibe 4

That's cool. I had no clue that Patricia's is where Clark Matthews gets his neck massagers! They feel really good. Use the most powerful setting.

Disclaimer: Patricia's, obviously, is a TLO advertiser. For more info or to discreetly shop online, visit

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