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KFOR predicts “The Big One” is coming soon!



Maybe. This week, the media-maven fear-mongers at KFOR finally learned about the threat of a massive earthquake could strike at any minute and kill every single one of us:

Oklahoma is no longer known as the state where the wind comes sweeping down the plains. Now, the Sooner State also leads the world in seismic activity.

This year, more than 5, 000 earthquakes have been recorded and studied in our state. Residents have become accustomed to the little shaking, rattling and rolling.

However, experts say earthquakes in Oklahoma will likely increase in magnitude over time.

Now, research said it's only a matter of time before we get a big one that will change life for those of us living here.

“This is what happens when you get rid of the Ten Commandments,” says your Aunt at Thanksgiving.


Inbetween interviewing elderly people about their very minor structural damage, thankfully the report finds time to contact a member of the “hydrogeophysics community”—if that’s even a real thing—who surely will provide us with some balm in Gilead. Continued…

"It's unclear exactly how high we might go, and the predictions are upper 5-6 range for most things that I've seen," Todd Halihan, a researcher from OSU, says.

Halihan studies these quakes; his expertise is hydrogeophysics.

"Underneath any of these urban areas, whether it's Stillwater, Cushing, Oklahoma City, Guthrie, these cities are not built to seismic standards. They're not in L.A." Halihan said.

What would happen to the Devon tower, Chesapeake Arena, our bridges and our roads if a big one hit in the center of Oklahoma City?

"We have a lot of buildings that were built with earthquakes not even on the radar screen, so we would expect probably a fair bit of damage," Halihan said.

I spoke to an anonymous earthquake expert and he said that KFOR's earthquake expert was a little off, saying replace "fair bit of damaged" with "absolute unholy razing of this godforsaken city," adding that we're all probably "going to die."

"Let's say best case scenario it's a 5.o," anonymous source said. "It at first seems like a small sway, that just gets wider and wider until your typical one-story house just falls apart like a house of cards, crushing you. Two story houses collapse evenly crushing you, but it's the buildings over three stories you have to worry about, because they're not built for even the slightest shakes and will crush you. I'm surprised they haven't already. Cracks will open in the streets and dangerous deposits of lava-heated methane gas will immolate anything living in a ten-foot radius. Power-lines will fall and the ten-story tall waves from the Overholser and Hefner tsunamis will create makeshift lakes of electrical death and kill those that are too slow to escape from the nursing homes and hospitals, if the rogue police force doesn't do it first. Fires rage as sewers overflow and, mixing with that famous Oklahoma wind, mini tornadoes consisting mainly of glass shards slice and dice everything in their path as ancient Mole Men, awoken from their slumber deep under the earth, rise out of the muck to begin inter-breeding with whatever  fertile women remain alive. Bands of diseased marauders begin to form as the city is broken down into various zones that are ruled over by only the most powerful. Children are now a food-source.  And that's only the first day."

And while he wouldn't say more than that, he did say we still have a "few weeks to prepare." Hoard cigarettes, customize your automobile for all-terrain vehicular warfare and, most importantly, CALM DOWN. Don't listen to news-sources trying to freak you out for ratings. That's how people die, right Mike Morgan?

Louis Fowler is currently writing a sequel to San Andreas for Aaron Tuttle. Follow him on Twitter at @LouisFowler.

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