Before I get into this, let me say a few things: I am black, I graduated from OU, racism does not surprise me, and I tell jokes, so this article is not about to be a cry for change and equality, instead, I just need to get a few thoughts out of my head. I also threw this together on my lunch break, so it may come of as a little rushed and punctuation may not be perfect, but I only had 45 minutes so fuck English.
With that said…
WHAT IN THE FUCKITY FUCK IS GOING ON AT MY SCHOOL, BRO?!
I mean, there I was, sipping on a delicious white cherry ICEE in the middle of watching Chappie on Sunday night when I get a text on my phone that reads “D, what’s SAE like at OU?” Honestly, my initial thought was, “All I know is they refused to play us in the Intramural Basketball Tournament of Champions so they’re pussies." My second thought was “What are you talking about?”
So I stepped out of my movie, MISSING CRITICAL PLOT ELEMENTS, to watch one of the funnnnniiiiesssssttttttt videos I’ve ever seen in my life. Not “Haha, this is great comedic material, they have a future in stand-up” funny, but more like “Yo LOL, what the fuck? This can’t be real, can it?”
The answer is yes. It can be real, and I have questions about it...
1. What percentage of the guys on that bus actually had sex at end of the night?
I could be wrong, but I thought the goal of a date party was to sleep with your date at the end of the night. Again, I could be wrong, but I just thought that was the basic fundamental principle of being a frat guy. Clearly SAE plays by different rules. I’m no expert on seducing women, but I 100% know for a fact that chanting racial slurs in the form of a nursery rhyme does NOT get a girl to like you... unless she chews tobacco. I bet some of the girls on that bus chew tobacco.
2. How many guys on that bus were wearing Sperry’s with their suits?
If there’s one thing I learned about frat guys while at OU, it’s that they generally dress like jackasses and have NO clue how to talk to girls. That latter is apparent, because who gets on a bus full of beautiful drunk girls and focuses on people who will never be on the bus? I mean, really? What kinda Opie Taylor shit is that? But back to the Sperry’s.
Let’s say there are 25 dudes on that bus. Out of 25, I’d say 19 have on Sperry’s, which is 76%. 76% of those kids have fathers that failed.
3. What’s going to be their go-to pick up line now?
As noted above, these dudes are not the most silver-tongued of devils you’ll come by. I’m not talking shit. I’m stating facts. I’ve witnessed many frat boy conversations while in the depths of hell, or Seven47, and it never fails – within the first 10 seconds of meeting a girl they ALWAYS ask what house she’s in, like that’s going to help them to get to know her or reveal ANY relevant information about her as a human being. But now, that’s obviously not a conversation they want to have, so I guess it’s skip the basics and go straight to “So what’s your major?” Cold world.
4. What makes SAE think niggas wanna be part of their boy band ANYWAY?
I knew a lot of SAEs when I went to OU. Some of them, wait no…most of them, wait no…PRETTY MUCH ALL OF THEM were fuckboys. Don’t nobody (EBONICS ALERT!) wanna be in that weak ass fraternity, bruh. The athletes get more ladies anyway, and when you’re black at OU, it’s SO much easier to convince girls that you’re an athlete than it is to convince them you’re in a white frat. Trust me, I’ve tried (and succeeded) at both. So yeah, fuck wearing Dockers and Columbia vests every day. And also fuck those weak ass clip-on bow-ties they were wearing on the bus. Y’all can keep that corny shit.
5. Was paying for friends worth it?
I know this sentence will make some chests hot and get some people in their feelings, but I’ve always considered Greek life to be paying for friends, in the beginning anyhow. I know a lot of Greeks hate when people say that, but I also hate being called a nigger, so what can ya do? I still love all my Greek friends, but let’s call a spade a spade. I say all of that to say, I know those dues are expensive as fuck. Why would I want to pay for racist friends, when I can get them everywhere for free? I’m from Oklahoma and I live in Texas now. I know what I’m talking about.
6. How exactly did the bus chant start?
No, I don’t mean who created the song. Clearly that was hundreds of years in the making considering how every single person knew the song like it was the Ignition Remix. I mean the sopranos, altos, and trebles were ALL on cue. That kind of rhythm from a group of white people is pretty impressive, I can’t lie, but still... Did the kid with the mic start it with a whisper, and it gradually grew louder, like when the first person starts the “clap” during acceptance speeches and everyone follows, OR did he just grab the mic like “DJ. YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS. DROP THAT SHIT!”
7. What was the next step after the song/chant was done?
Just think about that. After the chant was over, how did the guys just transition into normal conversation with their dates? I mean, how do you smoothly go from hanging niggers from trees to “so you excited about tonight?” You can’t. You just have to play music and jump around. Funny thing is, who makes party music? Niggas. Niggas that will never be an SAE.
Sidebar: I also have no set-up for this terrible joke, I just really want to say it:
“I WAS CHANTING ON THE BUS WITH MY WOES!” – SAE members.
Listen to Drake – Know Yourself for the reference.
8. How many other frats saw that video and their first thought was “WHEW! Thank God they didn’t catch our shit on video too!”?
HOW MANY?! Cause I knooooooowwww SAE isn’t the only one. Let’s be real with ourselves. Let’s be real.
9. AT ANY POINT…did ANYONE…think to themselves “Hmm, this is kind of fucked up?”
Yup. At least one person did. The sorority girl that filmed the video did and exposed the game. Find me her name and address, I’m sending her a puppy and buying her a Starbucks. She earned it.
10. Lastly, I just want to ask SAEs (GDIs), how does it feel to be homeless and nonexistent?
You mad or nah? What about your parents? Thought so. Go ahead and update those resumes, playboy, and also who you are as a person. You've got some changes to make.
Stay Black.
Dante Jordan is a stand up comedian and occasional TLO contributor currently residing in the Dallas metroplex. He's a GDI who graduated from OU in 2013.
