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Bethany is finally getting a new crematorium…

bethany city seal

Looking for another reason to never move to Bethany? Today's your lucky day.

Over the past few months, the sleepy, white, conservative, Nazarene / Baptist community in the northwest metro that continues to elect Sally Kern to office has been embroiled in a heated controversy over plans to build a crematorium next to one of the city's few remaining upscale neighborhoods, Brownsville.

Well, at least I think Brownsville is still upscale. If you're a loyal reader to this blog, you may be aware that I spent my torturous middle school and high school years right outside of Bethany near NW 16th and Council Road. Back then, Brownsville was the fancy neighborhood where all the "rich" popular kids who got new cars for their birthday lived. Flash forward 20-years, any my parents – two lifelong state employees – now call the neighborhood their home. Something tells me the rich kids don't live there anymore.

Anyway, the new crematorium has some people in the area, especially my dad, really fired up. I guess this is because not everyone wants to live next to a business that burns human flesh.

Via News 9:

A standing room only Bethany City Council meeting ended with a 5-4 vote in favor of a zoning change, and many upset residents.

Mercer-Adams Funeral home wants to build a funeral home with a crematory on a plot of land on the 4100 block of Council Road, just south of the 39th Street Expressway.

The owners said they want to keep up with requests to provide cremation services instead of using a third party.

Matt Schinske said he was able to gather 300 signatures against the proposal. Many people say they are concerned about potential smells, possible exposure to mercury, and decreasing property values.

“It's right by Sterling House of Bethany, a senior adult living center. 6 of their residents will be looking out at it, sipping a cup of coffee and realizing they see a person going up in smoke. It's emotionally devastating for that person,” said Schinske.

Okay, I feel sorry for my parents and all their neighbors who will soon get to watch the smoke from the dead rise into the air as their property values dive into the ground, but they have to build crematoriums somewhere, and I can't think of a better place to build one than in Bethany, Oklahoma.

Seriously, it's a perfect match. Here are three reasons why:

1. The crematorium will fit in very well. Bethany is an old, depressing, town and could actually use a local business that wants to be there.

2. The crematorium will be next to its target market. I'm pretty sure half the population of Bethany is projected to die of natural causes within the next 5 - 10 years, so the crematorium will definitely be near its customer base. As an added bonus, Bethany residents who drive Lincolns they bought at Diffee won't have to venture into the Metro to see their friends go up in smoke, so it will keep our streets safe.

3. Maybe the new crematorium will finally convince my parents to move out of Bethany. The Sally Kern yard signs that litter their neighborhood couldn't do it, so I hope this will. It's about time. They've been in and around that town for nearly 20-years-now, which is probably about 20-years too long. Plus, I could use a bigger basement.

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