While We’re At It: Other articles of clothing that we should make illegal.
11:26 AM EST on January 8, 2015
As you know, state senator Don Barrington recently proposed a bill that would make wearing a hood to "intentionally conceal [one's] identity in a public place"-- as the proposed law broadly states-- punishable by a fine of up to $500.
The media has latched onto the story – this site included – and essentially named it the "No Hoodie Bill." It got me thinking that if we're going to make it illegal to wear hoodies, then we should ban other articles of clothing, too. Here are a few possible amendments to help Barrington out in his quest to eliminate warm, comfortable clothing:
SECTION 1: AMENDMENT A: It shall be unlawful for any person in this state to:
wear flip-flops under the conditions they have gross-ass bare feet; Whereas "Gross-ass" is defined by the general public consensus to include bunions, corns, long yellow toe nails, excessive calluses, or unpleasant odor.
Or; under the condition of wearing flip-flops over ridiculous tube socks.
SECTION 1: AMENDMENT B: It shall be unlawful for any person in this state to:
Wear clothes which reveal what is colloquially known as a "muffin top."
Whereas; Muffin Top is defined by Urban Dictionary to be "...the strange and bizarre waist scrunching effect that results when females wear tight-fitting, low-rise/hip-hugger pants along with small-sized, navel exposing, mid-riff tops."
SECTION 1: AMENDMENT C: It shall be unlawful for any person in this state to:
Wear those Tapout shirts that used to be considered douchey but now just kinda make us sad for the pudgy, pasty white dudes who still like them.
Whereas; Tapout shirts have basically just become the uniform for young white trash high school kids and out of work construction workers who think books are for pussies.
SECTION 1, AMENDMENT D: It shall be unlawful for any person in this state to:
Wear those hipster Oklahoma state emblem shirts.
Whereas; The provisions of this amendment shall apply to all Oklahoma hipsters, except for this woman:
SECTION 1, AMENDMENT E: It shall be be unlawful for any person in this state to:
Misappropriate Native American culture during a photo shoot. Whereas; the wearing of headdresses by spoiled little pasty-white girls shall be punishable by a special fine of all the money left over in the offender's mom's campaign fund.
All other amendable sections, it is hereby declared, to be punishable by a $500 fine or a mandatory viewing of no less than four consecutive hours of literally any show on the Bravo network; It being immediately necessary for the preservation of the public peace, health and safety.
Hopefully, Barrington takes our suggestions to heart and considers revising his horribly ill-conceived bill. Seriously, Senate Bill 13 declares the wearing of hoodies a public "emergency." It's good to see our lawmakers using our tax dollars to protect us from... people trying to stay warm and cozy?
Yes, the scourge of morning joggers-- decked out in their hoodies and sweat pants will no longer plague our great state with their sweaty public exercise and mean, rockin' bods.
Or maybe he wants to dissuade black youths from wearing hoodies near any old white people, who might get scared into accidentally standing their ground.