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5 things only Oklahomans will not understand…

10:40 AM EST on November 12, 2014


On Sunday, the "Digital Desk" posted a sad piece of Buzzfeed-inspired clickbait titled "5 Things Only Oklahomans Will Understand." The post, which I think was written in about five minutes by a computer algorithm or dying dog, is part of the website's new "5 Reasons Why Journalism Is Dying" web series.

Because the editors were in a demented mood and/or wanted to get ahead of their monthly pageview quota, they plastered the oh-so-clickable headline on every section of their website. Just check out the most popular stories of the week:

newsok most popular stories

The article, like most things on the Digital Desk, was sad, boring and sucked at your will to live. It lacked any real depth or insight, and was about as creative as a bologna sandwich. 5 Things Only Oklahomans Will Understand? What the fuck does that even mean? Let me guess. Crazy Weather, Sonic Ice and some forced, patronizing thing about Oklahomans being "Awesome."

To save you from having to click, these are the five things they listed...

• Oklahoma Weather
• Large Versions of Things
• The Oklahoma Trinity: Churches, Banks and Sonic Drive Ins
• Russell Westbrook
• Being Awesome

That's the five best things they could come up with? Where is teenage pregnancy, cutting education funding and rolling your eyes when you read The Oklahoman? Seriously, larger versions of things? I know we're in the middle of a childhood obesity epidemic, but that's a cheap shot. Banks? Yeah, Oklahomans are well-known for their love of banking. Churches? Who the Hell still eats at Churches? Grandy's would have been a better choice.

In an effort to stay competitive with "the State's Most Trusted News" and get some cheap pageviews of our own, I decided to pull a Digital Desk and totally mail-in my own list of 5 things only Oklahomans will not understand.

They are...

vermont weather

5. Vermont Weather

Wait a second. According to the article, only Oklahomans understand wild, unpredictable weather, yet when I googled Vermont weather, that painting is the first thing to come up. Weird.

Anyway, I don't think any Oklahoman has ever lived in or visited Vermont, and because of that there's not way we would understand their weather.


4. Voting for your own self interests

Cut taxes for the rich! Repeal Obamacare!

If there's one thing Oklahoma likes to do, it's vote against their own self interests! That's what makes this funny. Get it? If not, here's another animated Gif to distract you:


trader joes

3. Trader Joes

Hey, what do we have to do to get a Trader Joe's around here? Am I right?!



2. Russell Westbrook

If someone really thinks they understand this guy, they are lying!!!!!


digital desk

1. Why does this shit


Boy, that was fun. I need to mail stuff in more often. I hope this gets a bunch of clicks.

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