Mobs of undead rise from their graves, witches cackle as they glide across the night sky, and somewhere there’s an empty tomb engraved with the name “Obama”—that’s right, it’s Halloween again and the metro has plenty to offer up in the way of creepy-crawly scares and ooky-spooky destinations this holiday season!
We all know about FrightFest at Frontier City (yawn) and the Haunted Warehouse in Bricktown (it it's still open). This is a list of where to find real scares in the city this Halloween in the metro that’ll send chills up your spine, leave a tingle in your throat and goose bumps on your arms:
(Editor's Note: This post was written and compiled by our new contributor New Tony. He's different than old Tony who will remain Tony.)
1. The Governor’s Mansion
If you believe the old stories, this house is still haunted by a family of politically opportunistic ghosts. Eye witness accounts of the ghosts have varied, but most agree that they appear with a sickeningly pale pallor, and with a distinct, lifeless glaze over their eyes. Ghost tours are available throughout the year (the website just calls them “Governor’s Mansion Tours” for some reason), so take the whole family and be sure to bring your camera along— you never know when you might catch a wayward spirit on film!
This place is pretty spooky year round, yet the Halloween season always offers up some extra scares. Be warned, if you can survive all the toothless children screaming at their even-lesser-toothed parents over Hannah Montana costumes made in Taiwan by other toothless children for 90-cents, there’s no way you’ll survive the lines. The lines get everyone in the end.
3. Fairview Baptist Church
There is no fear quite like the fear of God—and no haunt in the metro area proves that more this hallows eve than ultra-conservative Fairview Baptist Church. Legend has it that on this very site earlier this month there was an Islamophobic rally called “Tragedy in Moore: A Religion of Peace?” SPOOooOoOoOKY! Enter at your own risk, especially if you’re not a landowning white male Protestant.
4. The Gym
This is perhaps the closest modern equivalent to an inquisitor’s dungeon—a fetid-smelling space filled with sleek-black contraptions designed only to inflict pain, with sweaty, faintly humanoid monstrosities standing around you screaming. The worst part is there are no windows, only mirrors through which to witness the horrors of your own body breaking down. The locker room is a 150 square foot potential staph infection that looks like a scene out of “Salo” every day during the after-work rush hour. Abandon hope (of working off all those Halloween candy calories) all ye who enter here.
5. Nichol’s Hills
It would be easy to mistake “Dawn of the Dead”— with its mindless mobs of bloodthirsty undead wandering the capitalist paradise of a modern mall— as a documentary for this wasteland of human individuality. Of course the scariest part isn’t that it’s a land populated by teeming masses of thoughtless upper-middle class blandness— it’s that you, too could become one of them if bitten. One moment you’re an individual with your own identity and original thoughts, the next moment you’re a part of shambling, drooling horde with a business degree, a Rolex, and an entry-level gig at your uncle's energy company.
6. Harkins/The Warren
This is always the best time of year to go see a scary movie. Keanu Reeves is trying to make a comeback in “John Wick”—frightful! Ben Affleck appears totally nude in “Gone Girl”—horrifying! A Steve Carell Disney movie—blood curdling! If you can’t find a film that’ll give you the chills, the inflated ticket and concession prices are good for a scream.
7. The Oklahoma State Capital
Herschell Gordon Lewis fans rejoice!
This “Two Thousand Maniacs”-themed house of horrors is guaranteed to do more than merely frighten this Halloween season; it’ll fuel your nightmares for years to come. Whether it’s perpetuating thinly-veiled institutional bigotry, being paid by taxpayers to come up with new ways to murder people, or just being Sally Kern— this medieval-minded chamber of dread should be your one-stop shop for fiendish chills and ghoulish thrills!
New Tony is a human being filled with regrets, hopes, desires, and pizza. Follow him on Twitter: @tonybe787