7 things that Oklahomans love to steal…
11:04 AM EDT on September 16, 2014
Some people enjoy stealing... especially when they want something and they don't wanna pay for it. This is especially true in Oklahoma. In fact, this past weekend a comic friend of mine had his car stolen while he was at an open mic in Bricktown. How shitty is that? And yes, I'm referring to the car and not an open mic in Bricktown.
I'm not sure why people steal. I assume it depends on the person and their situation. Some steal for the rush, some steal because they are in need, some steal to afford an addiction, and some steal because their neighbor doesn't have a Wi-Fi password. Hey, if you're not going to protect it, I'm going to use it. I guess that's not really stealing, is it?
Anyway, here's a very scientific and comprehensive list of seven things Oklahomans love to steal:
1.) Basketball teams
Get over it Sonic fans, a group of rich dudes bought the team from another rich dude. You can be upset at the rich dudes for screwing you out of a basketball team, but stop being upset at the fans who love them now. I get it though, it's like getting a divorce and then having to watch your ex become super successful, while you sit at home in your underwear, eating frosting from the can, sob-yelling at the TV, "We drafted KD!"
2A.) TV shows
Most people who steal are assholes, but if you download TV shows from the internet illegally, I'm ok with that. Before I had HBO, I downloaded the first season of Game of Thrones illegally... which I guess that makes me an asshole, but whatever. I did some research to find out what the most illegally downloaded show was in Oklahoma and I found this map.
"24" was the most downloaded show in Oklahoma? Isn't that show free on basic television? C'mon Oklahoma, step up your torrent game. Fun fact: if you are a fan of 24, OKC Comedy is bringing Mary Lynn Rajskub to town in November.
This is along the same lines as TV shows. If you've binge-watched everything on Netflix and Hulu, and you are too lazy walk drive your ass to a Redbox wearing your PJ's you really have no choice but to download a movie illegally.
When I saw that Oklahoma downloaded "Captain America," I thought, "That can't be true?" But then I saw that Texas downloaded "Lone Survivor" and Florida's most downloaded movie was something called "Cuban Fury," and then I realized, "Yeah, that's probably correct." Also, not included in these maps are Alaska and Hawaii... because they don't have the internet yet.
Remember the good old days when eating too much pasta made headlines? Luckily OU did the right thing and made the culprits give $5 to make up for the stolen goods. But if I were the players, I would have waited a day and returned the pasta in a flaming bag on the NCAA's doorstep. I realize the NCAA didn't care about the situation, but still screw the NCAA.
You gotta stay vigilant when it comes to copper, scrap-hounds love nothing more than to take all the metal they can find and then sell it to a scrapyard. But thanks to places like Metal Check, thieves are finding it more difficult. It takes a special kind of asshole to steal wiring from houses that are being built.
5.) Artwork from Holocaust survivors
Yeah, OU still has this painting. You might remember when Patrick wrote about it back in February. Geez OU, first pasta, now artwork? I think OU is trying to illegally build its own Olive Garden.
It doesn't matter if it was given to Native Americans, or jumping the gun on the land run, Oklahoman's have a rich history of stealing land. And why not, there is valuable oil and resources under that land! It's better off in the hands of white people. You know what, I dismiss everything I said about thieves being assholes. This state was founded by people who cheated the system. Go out there and steal! j/k don't steal, it's bad... unless you're rich and powerful.
7.) Material at open mic nights
Once again, how shitty is that?
If you would like to steal jokes from me on Twitter, you can follow me! @SpencerLenox
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