School is starting up all across Oklahoma. That means kids are making new friends, parents have more free time, and teachers are forced to get off their lazy asses and get back to work.
To get in the "Back to School" spirit, I have compiled a list of school supplies every Oklahoma student needs to have a great year at school and hopefully learn to read beyond a third grade level.
1. Bulletproof Tornado Blankets
People are being shot by tornadoes at an alarming rate. These fantastic "blankets" will keep your kids safe from being shot by a tornado.
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2. Pants
As the teacher above seemed to prove, it is very important to wear pants to school.
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3. Condoms / Water Balloons
STD's are for real. And the last thing you want is for your kid to come home with the clap. Send them out the door with a roll of condoms. Don't worry about telling them how to use them. If they can figure out an iPad, they can figure out a condom. If your kid isn't old enough to have sex, tell them they are water balloons.
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4. Tornado Shelters
Since some of our politicians don't think it's important for every school in tornado alley to be equipped with a storm shelter, your kid will need to bring their own.
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5. Gun
If you can't afford a tornado blanket, give your kid a gun. As long as they aren't doing something crazy like eating their chicken nuggets into the shape of a gun, you should be ok.
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6. Shots
Get your kids vaccinated. Not just for the stuff that is required, but for stuff like Ebola and AIDs. Has science created an AIDs vaccination? If they have, get the shot then you won't have to buy the condoms.
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7. Janet Barresi Doll
This will serve as a reminder to all students that they shouldn't take their education for granted.
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8. E-cig
Nothing is cooler than an underage kid smoking. With the invention of vapes, your kid can be just as cool as the smokers with none of the side effects! Because as we all know, vaping is 100% safe and is healthier than going for a jog.
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9. Wet Naps
Listen, the toilet paper budget of our schools is underwear-stainingly bad. Send your kids to school with Wet Naps. It's like a refreshing shower after dropping a deuce.
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10. Money to tip teachers
Kind of like determining how much to tip the waitress at an Asian buffet, figuring out how much to tip a teacher is challenging. I'd say a couple of dollars a week, or 5 - 10% of their salary... whichever is more.
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For those of you about to send your kids back to school, buy some hand sanitizer and kleenex. Give them some love and support and they should be alright. Follow me on Twitter at @SpencerLenox
