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Channel 25 is losing a weatherman, adding a newscast and should probably hire Gary England….

emily and gary

First of all, I want to be clear that I have not heard any rumors that Gary England is moving to KOKH Fox 25. What I'm doing here is simply throwing out the idea that Gary England should move to Channel 25. Let me explain why.

Yesterday, longtime Oklahoma TV weatherman and kid from Jerry McGuire impersonator, Jon Slater, announced he's leaving the fourth place Oklahoma City news channel... for the future. According to the Ogle Mole Network, this is because his contract wasn't renewed. He'll be replaced by the station's Chief Meteorologist, Jeff George, who is moving from the morning show to the evenings.

Here's Jon Slater's Vaguebook status about it:

jon slater fb

Wow, that was incredibly depressing. I blame the extra period in the ellipse. It can turn a regular sad sentence into something more depressing than an Integris commercial. Here's an example:

- My date stood me up, so I drove home, turned on the TV and watched the weather on KOKH Fox 25...
- My date stood me up, so I drove home, turned on the TV and watched the weather on KOKH Fox 25....

See what I mean? That one extra dot adds a terrifying layer of uncomfortable, lonely uncertainty. I'd say only use it when you're looking for extra sympathy or can't figure out how to end a suicide note.

In addition to the weatherman news, Channel 25 is apparently launching a 5pm and 6pm weekday newscast later this fall. If they haven't done so yet, expect the station to announce this very very soon. The additional newscast will be good news for media buyers, obscure local social bloggers and other people who enjoy an oversaturated media market. It will be bad news for the engaged firemen out there who watch "Big Bang Theory" and "Two and Half Men" reruns. Those people are assholes.

Anyway, all of this news leads to my idea that Gary England should move to Channel 25. If you take time to think about it, the idea makes perfect sense.

Earlier this week, Lord England appeared on the web show "Weather Brains" to talk about his life, career and retirement. It's the same show Mike Morgan appeared on last fall. The segment is kind of long, but it's refreshing to hear our Severe Weather Savior speak the weather gospel. It's also equally sad to see him struggle with his webcam, but who can blame him for that? If I could conjure up hailstones on demand, I wouldn't worry about new technology either.

Here's the show:

Gary's interview reminded me of watching a "retired" coach analyze a game on NFL Live. You could tell Gary isn't a fan of retirement. He still loves the weather and is itching to get back into the game. He misses Loretta, Val and Friday Night in the Big Town. Weather was his life and life was his weather, and without it, he looks more lonely than Bricktown on a cold January night.

The main reason Gary "retired" from the game was that he had enough of the pressure that comes with covering violent weather and saving countless lives. At Channel 25, that wouldn't be a problem. The station basically concedes all the weather hysteria and live cut-ins to Channels 4, 5 and 9. When tornadoes are plowing their way through the state, 25 usually sticks with airing Judge Whoever and Express Credit Auto infomercials. If they continue with that strategy, Gary would never have to tell kids to take their tornado precautions or lose Val on the Gentner. (Note: If Gary moved to Channel 25, Val would have to join him.)

Also, Gary could work shorter hours at 25. I'd suggest bringing him in for the 9pm newscast only. He could arrive to work at 8:00, look over the script, do the weather report, and before you say "Jump Back Loretta," he'd be at home in his easy chair falling asleep to Biography.

That's why Lord England moving to Channel 25 makes so much sense. It would work for Gary because he could return to doing what he loves (being in front of his minions and children on the television screen) on a limited schedule. It would work for Channel 25 because they'd have fucking Gary England as their weatherman. Think that will get attention and bring in viewers?

Of course, there are some complications to this brilliant idea. For one, Gary England is still under contract with Channel 9 in his weird semi-retired Weather emeritus position. I doubt they'd let him go work for a competitor in the same market. Two, Channel 25 may be looking to expand their severe weather coverage with the addition of two newscasts. If they pay big bucks for Gary England, they'd probably want him in the weather studio in April and May.

I guess we'll just monitor things on our end. Maybe we should also sacrifice a lamb or stormchaser to Doppler radar. I doubt it would work, but you never know. I guess crazier things have happened. Here's to the future....

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