Lorde had the number 1 song for November 2013. When a 17-year-old writes a song condemning the excessive and vapid nature of the world in which we now live, might be time to take a look at our priorities. I was at Starbucks, because I had a gift card, and a super cute girl and her friend were yammering on and then I heard "Royals." It was one of their ringtones. She pulled her blinged out iPhone from her Michael Kors bag and said a series of "Uh-huhs" and "No ways" into her phone. She ended her call and said, "I love my ringtone. That song is like, saying, like such good things." then these two guardians of our future spent $20 on two cups of coffee. America. We're great!
Anyway, if that paragraph didn't make your weird Monday morning at work more depressing, take a look at the best post from 30 days ago:
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6. Kevin Ogle was not impressed at last night's Thunder game
Published: 11/11/13
What We Said: "The guy is something like 8-feet tall. In case you care, that’s three Al Eschbachs. He sticks out in a crowd like the Devon Tower does in our skyline. Maybe he was being considerate and sitting down so that Johnny Old Navy Shorts, the used car salesman behind him, and all the people in Loud City could actually watch the game. That seems like a nice Ogle brother thing to do."
What We Learned: Someone needs to learn to get their "Up" Thundered. Then again he may be trying to avoid a Maude Flanders type head injury situation. No one wants a concussion because of a rolled up t-shirt to the face from that insane t-shirt machine gun at Thunder games.
Fun Fact: When you mention The Lost Ogle to his daughter, she reacts the same exact way as her dad at a Thunder game. She is not a fan. Not. At. All.
Best Comment: "Ha! You got it right the first time. Had I stood up the poor guy behind me would not have seen a second of the last few minutes of regulation or the overtime. Keeping it on the down-low is the price u gotta pay when ur 6’8” BTW I’m a first time caller…do I get a Johnny’s Charcobroiler certificate?"- Kevin Ogle
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5. Mary Fallin doesn't want you to criticize the A-F grading system
Published: 11/06/13
What We Said: "If you continue to complain about a bad, unpopular law that is so awful that even the Oklahoman supports it (note: The Oklahoman’s editorial writer is married to Baressi’s campaign manager), we’ll just cut off all education funding. That will show you. You should just suck it up and move on, because as history shows, bad laws should never be repealed or changed or fixed. You should just set back, deal with them and keep your mouth shut."
What We Learned: Adults in positions of power can throw tantrums with the best of them.
Fun Fact: Mary Fallin wants to be Sarah Palin, real bad. Spoiler Alert! The GOP is too smart to let that happen again. Aside from Palin being more of a media savvy darling than Mary, Palin doesn't have near the skeletons in her closet our beloved governor does. Her closet puts the Museum of Osteology's collection to shame.
Best Comment: "Hypocrisy at its finest." - Hey Zeus
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4. Eddie Vedder from Pearl Jam is upset at the f*ckers in Oklahoma City…
Published: 11/15/13, 11/1/13
What We Said: "It doesn’t bother me that hardcore SuperSonics fans like Eddie Vedder and Macklemore or whatever dislike Oklahoma City. I guess I don’t blame them. We did heartlessly take their beloved basketball team. Imagine how you’d feel if Warren Buffet bought the Thunder and then moved them to Omaha. I’m sure it hurts enough to lose your team to a different town, but to seem them bolt to a lesser city would burn as bad as Pearl Jam’s new album."
What We Learned: That eventually Eddie would hate the f*ckers in Sacramento.
Fun Fact: No one in the history of anything would have thought a dividing line in the local sports landscape would be prompted by what Pearl Jam thinks about a basketball team.
Best Comment: "Clay did what he wanted to do and had the right to do…you’re just a puss."- Dave Herman
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3. The Video Vigilante discovered a prostitute in a UPS truck or something
Published: 11/26/13
What We Said: "Who cares if a UPS driver had sex with a “happiness consultant” in the back of his truck. If News 9 really wanted to serve their viewers, they’d investigate why UPS drivers are such assholes. Just because you drive an ugly brown truck doesn’t mean you own the road and can double park anywhere you want. Also, what’s up with ringing my doorbell and then running away as quickly as possible? Are you so busy that you can’t wait 5-seconds for me to open the door and say “Hey, my Zappos shoes have arrived! Thanks!”
What We Learned: We managed to make it through the entire post without making a "What can brown do for you?" joke.
Fun Fact: The acronym U.P.S. is the dirtiest thing in the world when used in the context of this post.
Best Comment: "It’s a shame this guy is probably going to be responsible for UPS putting truck numbers INSIDE the roll-up door."- Mack Tuck
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2. Right Wing Burgers: Meers is blaming Obama for expensive hamburger buns & I had lunch at Little Mike's Hamburgers. Thanks Obama!
Published: 11/25/13, 11/05/13
What We Said: "It looks like a bucket of bald eagles exploded in the place. The windows, walls, TV’s and pretty much everything are plastered with cheap 8.5 X 11 inkjet print-offs of fair and balanced political messaging. It’s so bad that Snopes should open a field office next door."
What We Learned: People want to blame the president for everything possible. It's akin to crediting Santa with your awesome gifts, only more pathetic because we're talking about adults.
Fun Fact: My family moved to Texas to be closer to my brother and Glenn Beck, who my brother works for. They don't talk to me anymore. I could blame Obama, because that's pretty much the main reason, but I won't because I'm an adult and sometimes people are just horrible.
Best Comment: "Two questions: Were you offered a discount if you agreed to squeal like a pig? Did you hear any banjo music?"- Craw Daddy
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1. It's official. Mary Fallin is losing her mind.
Published: 11/21/13
What We Said: "With gay rights continuing to expand and DOMA being ruled unconstitutional, I wonder what other things [Mary Fallin] is going to ban for both homosexuals and heterosexuals. If states are forced to allow gay marriages, will she just direct the Oklahoma courts to stop issuing marriage licenses for everyone? What’s going to happen when some gay couple that was married in Vermont wants to file for a divorce in Oklahoma? Will she ban divorce? Well, probably not. Knowing what we know about Mary and her views on gay marriage and divorce, she’ll probably want to leave that available for everyone.
What We Learned: We really miss Brad Henry.
Fun Fact: Our state's political leaders are a national punchline and none of them seem to mind.
Best Comment: "When your 85 year old Bible thumping mother says Fallins crazy. You know it’s getting bad."- Railroad Mike
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