And there I was; super-cracked iPhone 4 in the left hand, red solo cup of A&W Root Beer in the right. Watching the 49ers vs Seahawks game with sweat on my brow and tears in my eyes as Russell Wilson ruined all hopes of a fantasy football victory. As the stress mounts, I exhaled the deepest breath of my 23 years, closed my eyes, and said to myself “Fuck this.”
So I grabbed the remote, opened the channel guide, and began searching for the TV show that’s most enjoyable on mute. And as I began to lose hope with every click of the button, I saw it, the golden snitch: “Miss America Pageant 2014.” As my eyes widened, I took a moment to point to the ceiling and thank God for his 50 blessings. Cause I am not worthy. I mean dawg, are you serious? A bikini competition in a cold room? Stupid answers for simple questions about everyday news? The complete objectification of women with fake smiles and college degrees? That’s top notch entertainment, people. COUNT.ME.IN.