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This may be the most annoying and ridiculous lost dog story of all time…

rowdy alchemist

The dog pictured above is my best friend Rowdy. I adopted Rowdy from an animal rescue in Prague about five years ago. He likes treats, playing with his toy hedgehog and helping me write bar trivia questions. His crowning achievement in life is either catching a mouse or defeating Linda Cavanaugh as an 8-seed in Ogle Madness V.

I posted that pic of Rowdy a few years ago in an effort to impress Liz Mean Dueweke. We had just learned that her Baby Gap polo wearing boyfriend "AJ" Mertz liked dogs and (allegedly) The Alchemist. I wanted to prove that I enjoyed the same things, and as an added bonus, was not a douche bag. Unfortunately, I didn't know that MeanDueweke lacked a sense of humor and only associated herself with people who bathe her with praise and compliments, so my little ploy didn't work.

Anyway, the reason I'm telling you all this is so you'll know I'm a dog guy, and hopefully won't criticize me too much for judging this crazy dog owner who called in a real-life pet detective to help her find a dog that's been missing...for over a month. Via News 9:

A couple from California is desperate to find their lost dog that ran away in Oklahoma on Christmas Eve.

It's been a month now, and Jackie Vestal continues to search for Maddox, her 7-year-old miniature pinscher. He was last seen at 11804 Camelot Drive in northwest Oklahoma City.

"He's my best friend, he's my whole world," said Vestal. "I can't leave without him. I'm not leaving without him."

Vestal has decided to step up the search, calling on missing dog specialist Karin TarQwyn and her tracking dogs.

"Miniature Pinschers are very tough dogs, very tough," said TarQwyn. "He's traveled approximately eight miles from where he first began, following creeks and ditches and basically living on his own."

TarQwyn and her dogs tracked Maddox's scent a few weeks ago just west of Lake Hefner. Over the weekend, she returned and again, tracked his scent, this time north of Lake Hefner.

"They definitely can survive. Very rarely do they actually succumb to the elements," said TarQwyn. "There is some concern for coyotes."

This is why TarQwyn believes Maddox continues to wander, in order to not be a target for predators. She says the dog's natural timid behavior is also keeping him in hiding.

Yeah, that's not a joke. Someone really hired a Pet Detective from Nebraska to come to Oklahoma and search for a missing 12-pound lapdog. And know what else isn't a joke? Channel 9 ran a feature story on the thing... and they took it seriously! They didn't make any snarky Dan Marino or Miami Dolphin references or anything. They treated it as a legitimate news event, which is isn't. Dogs go missing everyday, just because the owner has a major case of first-world problems and hired a freakin' pet detective shouldn't make it any more news worthy. And why hire a pet detective? That's stupid. She should have hired a dog bounty hunter or put a $2,000 reward on the pup. I bet a redneck would have found Maddox in no time.

After I read the Channel 9 story I was going to ask if it was possible for our news media to be any more indulgent and platitudinous when it comes to animals. First KFOR runs an item about a dog being hit by a car, and now Channel 9 is throwing out stories about missing dogs and pet detectives. Before you know it, Channel 5 is going to replace Damon Lane with Magic the Storm Predicting Wonder Dog.

But I decided to avoid that angle because then I noticed a link to Maddox the Missing Pincher Facebook page. The page has nearly 1,000 likes and contains things like this:

pet maber alert

Here's something from Wikipedia:

AMBER is officially a backronym for "America's Missing: Broadcasting Emergency Response" but was originally named for Amber Hagerman, a 9-year-old child who was abducted and murdered in Arlington, Texas in 1996.

But yeah, let's use the same terminology to alert people to a missing dog.


candle for maddox

Are we looking for a dog or a missing white girl? I'm confused.


maddox donation

You know that overused cliché "This is why the terrorists hate us?" Well, this is why the terrorists hate us. 92 people have "donated" a combined $2,600 to help some disconnected-with-reality dog owner find this animal. And that's only the money raised through the FundRazr campaign. From what I gathered reading the Facebook Wall, other people have donated via Pay Pal. Meanwhile, poor old people eat dog food, families live on the streets, and dogs that we know are still alive are being euthanized in animal shelters. Ridiculous, huh?

Anyway, I feel sorry for Maddox's owner. I hope Maddox is okay and found soon. Hell, maybe this post will help lead to his recovery, but calling in dog detectives and seeking nearly $3,000 donations from other people is selfish, callous and ridiculous. I've lost a dog, and it's a terrible situation to go through, but you have to realize it's not the worst thing that can happen to you and move on with life. As Spencer always said, you could be born with red hair.

Also, Rowdy may have to mysteriously disappear for a few weeks so I can raise money to launch a "rescue effort."  Donate via PayPal to

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