Happy F*cking New Year. Joleen Chaney is engaged.

While you were busy getting drunk and preparing for New Year's Eve, I was dealing with a major crisis at the TLO National Headquarters. Dispatches were coming in throughout the network asking if KFOR News Vixen Joleen Chaney, perhaps the hottest women to ever harvest watermelons, was engaged to her new boyfriend. Here are a couple of reader emails asking about it:

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Believe it or not Ray and OKC Darth Vader, I don't watch a lot of TV news. What's the point when you have the internet? Also, if I did watch the news, I wouldn't spend time looking at the fingers of hot news chicks. There are much better things to stare out. Plus, I'm a handsome local D-list celebrity blogger. It doesn't matter if they're engaged or not. They'll fall for me anyway. But...thanks for letting me know.

To find out what was going on with JoJo's relationship status, I went directly to the source and hit up Joleen on Twitter. It resulted in the following conversation via direct message. Here's a screenshot:

OK, so there's a slight chance that everything after "if I say yes what are you going to do" may be more "based on a true story" than "factual" or "accurate," but you have to do that stuff for ratings.

Still, though, the fact remains that JoJo is apparently engaged. For our readers (a.k.a. Females) who care about this stuff, here's what I learned about the situation. For fun, I included some stereotypical-annoying girl analysis:

- No date has been set for the wedding (Duh! It's too early for that!)

- The proposal took place in a very intimate setting (How Romantic!!!)

- The ring was custom made (OMG!)

- The lucky guy is a former police lieutenant (Hot!)

- Nat Eastham may sing at her wedding (Who?)

Here's a breakdown for the guys, along with my stereotypical dude analysis:

- No date has been set for the wedding (Awesome! There's still a chance!)

- The proposal took place in a very intimate setting (How intimate?)

- The ring was custom made (I know a guy who knows a guy in Mexico who can make whatever you want for cheap)

- The lucky guy is a former police lieutenant (Crap)

- Nat Eastham may sing at her wedding (Awesome!)

All kidding aside, we would like to congratulate Joleen on her engagement. She puts up with a lot of our immature worshipping and ogling, and as opposed to being snooty like Mean Dueweke, she seems to be a good sport about it. In fact, she's such a good sport that for the sake and safety of us she should dump that jack ass and stay single. She can do better than him, right? He looks like his favorite movie is Pee Wee's Big Adventure. When he was a kid he dreamed of being a gay astronaut.

Okay, okay, I take all that back. He's probably a good dude and he and Joleen should have a long and happy life together. Unless, of course, this is all a clever ruse by JoJo. She never really came out and said they were engaged. In fact, she kind of dodged the question. So maybe she still is single. It makes almost too much sense. I bet it's all a big joke! Silly Joleen.