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Meet Darla Mayes, the 73-year-old drug kingpin of northeastern Oklahoma

3:00 AM EDT on April 17, 2012

This isn't Sophia Petrillo, Sue Johanson or your Grandma's roommate. This is Darlene Mayes. If you've toked up in Tulsa (or parts of Arkansas, Missouri, or Kansas), there's a 40% chance that you have Darlene to thank.

From the Radar Online:

Darlene Mayes, 73, has been arrested by authorities in Oklahoma for being one of the country's biggest drugs kingpins.

The silver haired, sweet-looking grandma is accused of supplying up to 40 percent of the marijuana in Oklahoma, Arkansas, Kansas and Missouri.

When police raided her home last week they found $276,000 in cash and four pounds of weed. Authorities also found a semiautomatic pistol and a revolver.

Mayes, who had appeared to be a law abiding citizen for most of her life, had allegedly been at the helm of the drugs ring for several years and her son Jerry, who was also arrested, is accused of working with her.

Police found several $15,000 cash bundles which Mayes told them was for her “retirement fund.”

I'm going to take a wild guess and assume that if you're sensible enough to read The Lost Ogle, there's a good chance that you don't have a problem with a little bit of recreational drug use. Everyone has that one aging stoner friend (we call him Clark Matthews), and if you don't, well you're either way too uptight or you might be that said friend and haven't accepted that all of your friends stopped smoking after they obtained gainful employment.

This situation is obviously a little different than say, that friend you knew back in college who got caught hot-boxing outside of their frat house. This news story alone might have spoiled the finale of Nancy Botwin's fictitious life. This Meemaw stored her contraband in the same bedroom that her grandchildren stayed in. Did these babies ever mistake glassware for rattles? Most kids grow to love and hate the mothball and Donna Karan perfume stench of their Grammy's house, but these tots probably had the mellifluous scent of bongwater and Bagel Bites to deal with.

I admit, you have to admire the old broad's spunk and vigor. The only things that excite my Mammaw nowadays is Nancy Grace and broiled salmon. Can you imagine the awful cottonmouth you'd get if you were wearing dentures while smoking a J? Darlene Mayes was a hardass, you really can't argue with that.

Anyway, I find the War on Drugs to be somewhat pointless and not the optimal use of our country's resources, but I wouldn't exactly offer Granny a high five either. I'm sure no one reading this has anything against the friendly clerk at Whole Foods with a glassy look in his eyes, but I highly doubt any of you would warmly embrace this Meemaw and her home business into your neighborhood with open arms. Illegal activities on a large scale, no matter how unwarranted the ban might be, attracts shady characters who are comfortable pushing laws further than you or I would. Having nearly $300,000 in cash lying around one's house has never led to anything good. Just as Frank Lucas. Or any character Ray Liotta has played.

p.s. - It only takes four pounds of weed in Oklahoma for you to be considered a "kingpin?" I mean, from what my uh, renegade friends tell me, that amount can move pretty quickly.

Follow Chelsea on Twitter at @xCawoodstock

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