It's that time again, readers, when we tackle the tough questions that other blogs are too scared to touch. Last time you decided overwhelmingly that you preferred Bob Mills to the Mathis Brothers, most likely because you are responsible hamster owners. This week, we take on the question that no one else has the balls to debate. Truck nuts: yes or no?
Yesterday, I got a text from Marisa letting me know that our topic for today was "truck nuts." She wanted to know which side I was on. To which I responded -- correctly -- something along the lines of "Nooooooooooo. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. Nooooo. Just no."
I mean, I enjoy a good novelty item from time to time, but look at these things:
Try and imagine the process that would lead to someone seeing those in the store, thinking to themselves, "Buying these fake human testicles is a fantastic idea," paying money for them, and then taking the time to attach them to their car. I'm not sure if the person who would want to be known as "The Truck-Nut Guy" would just be juvenile or if they'd be over-compensating for something or some awful combination of both, but the answer to the question "Truck Nuts?" is a resounding NO. Now let's all sit back and enjoy watching Marisa try and defend her indefensible position.
All right, I know I'm taking an odd stance on this one, but hear me out. It's not that I think we should put rubber representations of genitalia on our automobiles and lord knows that of all the genitalia out there, testicles aren't really the pretty pieces. But ladies, aren't they a little bit of a Godsend?
It used to be that you could tell that a dude was a choad bucket if he wore an Affliction shirt and had frosted hair tips. But is that really enough? Wouldn't it be great if when a dude drove up to the bar you could judge him before he even exited his truck? Sometimes the short bed GMC Sierra with decals is enough, but if you see those truck nuts, then you know for sure that homeboy is from Piedmont or Mustang and probably reads at a fourth grade level on a good day. Those dangling rubber testicles are like a tiny warning sign that scream "Ladies, keep away!"
Also, have you ever castrated a truck in the parking lot behind the Harkins Theatre? It's everything women's lib was all about and then some.