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Oglebating: Is it socially acceptable to dip your pizza in ranch dressing?

By Tony

7:30 AM EDT on September 21, 2011

We Oklahomans love our ranch dressing. We put it on our salads, dip our vegetables in it, and incorporate it into our lovemaking. Some people are even known to dip their pizza in it! Is that taking our ranch dressing-infatuation too far? After the jump, we debate the eternal question:

Is it socially acceptable to dip your pizza in ranch dressing?

Marisa: YES.

I think we all know that there is nothing better than dousing a 500-calorie item in a 200-calorie substance.  Let's all get off our healthy high horses for a minute.  This is Oklahoma. Calories, trans fats, and cholesterol are the basic building blocks of the food pyramid around these parts.  To state otherwise is purely un-Oklahoman.  It's like those bumper stickers that basically say "Socialism?  Not in Oklahoma" even though Oklahoma was once the site of the most socialist activity in the U.S. during the pre-World War I era.  To say no ranch on pizza is to deny the ever-expanding waistlines and bounty of Biggest Loser contestants found right here.  It's just inaccurate.

And I say that we don't have to limit our ranch consumption to salads and pizza.  I say why not on potato skins and cheese fries?  Why not on garlic bread, fried cheese, chicken strips and burgers?  And while we're at it, how about on my naked body as I writhe orgiastically on the floor?  A bottle of ranch for every citizen!

Tony: NO.

Look, before anyone accuses me of being an Okie apostate, let's be clear. I like ranch dressing fine. I am not a monster. It's great on carrots, for example.

But there are some lines that simply should not be crossed. A few years ago, I went with a group of friends to Eischen's. We were all having a good time -- until the chicken arrived. That's when one of the people -- their first time at Eischen's -- asked the waitress if she had any ranch dressing. She gave him a blank look and mumbled something about trying to find some and walked away. Needless to say, I was mortified. Ranch dressing on fried effing chicken? This is not something that should be a thing.

Pizza should be the dividing line. We all like pizza. Good pizza, crappy pizza, fancy pizza, cold pizza. It all stands on its own, and there is no reason to try to dress it up with something supposed to be used on crappy salads. If we allow this to become accepted in polite society, the slippery slope it leads to is not something I want to envision. Ranch on our chicken fried steak. Ranch flavored ice cream. Ranch flavored vodka shots! Let's stop our dangerous ranch addiction at pizza.

Place your vote for the winner and in the comments tell us all the things you put ranch dressing on!

[poll id="369"]

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