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Baby Elephant Names

3:54 AM EDT on May 11, 2011

Two years ago, give or take, the Oklahoma City zoo shipped their two elephants, Asha and Chandra, off to the Tulsa Zoo. The purpose for this was two-fold: 1) To get the elephants out of dodge while their new habitat was being constructed, and 2) To get them knocked up.

Yes, like the parents of teenage girls headed to South Padre for spring break, the OKC Zoo was expecting their elephants to come back pregnant. The bull they hooked up with even had a douche-y name like a guy who would hang out at Padre--Sneezy.

For two years, the lady elephants moved in with Sneezy who did everything short of asking the two sisters to make out in front of him. Now, he remains in Tulsa living the life of a bachelor while Asha raises the consequence of their short-term romance, a brand new baby girl.

Having a deadbeat father is one of the lesser concerns for the infant pachyderm. Making the situation really uncomfortable is that Chandra did not come back with child. So, the two sisters were expecting a perfect world where they would both have kids at the same time leading to them living happily ever after swapping stories about their respective sibling/cousin. Now, Chandra is left out. Sure, she'll feign to be happy for Asha, and give lip service to being the world's coolest aunt, but inside she's going to seethe with bitterness and bad mouth Asha to the little one whenever she gets to take her on a shopping excursion. Before long, the little elephant will run away to Tulsa to "get to know her father" but mainly to get out of the toxic environment. Without the child Asha and Chandra will re-connect by focusing their rage on the worthless baby daddy who swoops in and gets to raise her once she's past all the hard parenting.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, the child's real problem is that it doesn't even have a damn name.

That will be remedied later today, or perhaps has already happened if you aren't one of those readers who logs in first thing in the morning. The three names in contention are:

Malee: Pronounced "MAY-lee," this is the Thai name for "flower" or "jasmine." This name is the keeper's choice, meaning it's their personal favorite!

Annika: Pronounced "AH-nik-uh," is a Dutch name that means "favor" or "grace."

Hanako: Prononced, "HAH-nuh-koh," is Japanese for "flower girl."

These were the descriptions given by the Zoo in their "name the elephant baby" poll. First, I don't like that they turned it into a push poll. By divulging the zoo keeper's choice in the breakdown of the names, they were basically begging voters to validate their preference. It's like when I try to sell the ClarkPupp with, "Do you want some fresh, cold water or some stale, old grape juice."

Unlike me with my son, I doubt the Zoo will be thwarted in their efforts. Instead, the new elephant is going to be hampered with a trendy sounding name that will always remind people of when she was born, like Judy before her.

The correct choice would have been the last one, but only because it is so close to HanaDARko.

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