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Breakdown of the Oklahoma 5th Congressional District Primary

7:30 AM EDT on July 27, 2010

(Editor's Note: This post was written by David.  He's our newest contributor).

Today, the people of Oklahoma's 5th Congressional District will take their first step towards filling Mary Fallin's vacancy, which until now was a job left to state troopers. In all, 11 candidates are running for the spot. I visited each of the 11 candidates websites in an attempt to help keep you, the loyal Lost Ogle reader, informed. I will now share some highlights.

First we'll take a look at the Republicans.  In alphabetical order:

Kevin Calvey -R

www.kevincalvey.com

My favorite thing about Calvey is that he "volunteered for the Army at 37, only a month after being married." Perhaps this is a testament to his patriotism or how incredibly awful marriage can be, but a month in and Iraq seemed a better alternative to marriage. Then again, his wife is hot, so it was probably his patriotism.

While in Iraq "...he received verbal death threats on several occasions by members of al-Qaeda." I hope this wasn't surprising to Calvey. I have to believe verbal death threats lobbed at you are way better than grenades. A bruised psyche is better than a lost limb.

He's a staunch Catholic, so we know where he stands on things like abortion, homosexuality and logic. According to his website the government wants to... "Use "˜hate crimes' laws to criminalize preaching the Bible's words on homosexuality. Kevin will stand strong against such extremist policies." Criminalize preaching? Beating the hell out of someone because of how they look or love is not "preaching the Bible's words". It's hate. I think the law is trying to prevent the kind of redneck ignorance that causes so much pain. Then again, I could be wrong. I'm not though.

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Rick Flanigan - R

www.rickflanigan.com

From his official website - "If you reached this website because you found a flyer on your car windshield, I would first like to apologize for violating your personal space by putting a flyer on your car. I do appreciate your understanding that I must work extra hard to get my message out." So he's sorry, but not sorry enough to not screw with you car. "I respect your personal space, but don't care I invaded it." Yeah. That sounds about right for someone wanting to run for political office in this country.

He has a "satire" section on his site which is just a bunch of "funny" essays synonymous with the Tea Part.  One of them refers to Rachel Maddow as "Rachel Madcow" in a piece called "I Think My Wife's Dog is Communist."  I'm not kidding. If that's not enough for you to make an informed decision about giving Rick Flanigan your vote, nothing is, except for the fact that he looks like an age-progressed Chad.

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Shane Jett - R

jettforcongress.com

Shane Jett, of course, is super pro-life. "Every effort should be made to empower mothers to choose life." Once they've plunked down $500.00, haven't they already made their decision? I think it's funny how all of these candidates stop just short of offering to adopt "guilt trip" kids.

One cool thing about Shane is that he lived in Brazil, where he trained to be a terrorist. This isn't true, but that seems to be what people think nowadays. I do bet while living in Brazil he had no shortage of attractive women to gawk at. This is a Brazilian soccer fan and this is a typical Yard Dawgz fan. Case closed.

Shane also has a Brazilian wife. Fuck him.

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Harry C. Johnson - R

www.harryjohnsonforcongress.com

I think Harry Johnson has received enough coverage from TLO.

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James Lankford - R

jameslankford.com

From what I understand, James Lankford's ONLY job to this point has been director at Falls Creek Church Camp. On his website, he writes "Falls Creek has never been about any one person, it has always been about what God chooses to do in the lives of people who get quiet and listen to His still small voice." Yeah, apparently God's still small voice says, "Get drunk and sleep with as many confused young girls as possible."

This place is called the "Baptist Breeding Grounds" for a reason.  When I was a kid, all my church friends told me I had to go to Falls Creek. They told me this when I informed them I'd never been drunk, stoned, or laid.

"Dude, go to Falls Creek and you won't be saying that at the end of the summer!"

As I grew older, and spoke to more people, the tales of debauchery were rampant when anyone brought up Falls Creek. "That was the first place I got drunk/stoned/laid/got all gay with some dude."  And this guy oversaw it for years? I kind of want to vote for him now that I think about it.

Lankford does have some opinions that have nothing to do with Falls Creek.  Take his stance on illegal immigration. "We must also clarify the 14th Amendment to confirm that the children of illegal aliens are not given automatic citizenship." So pack it up Pepe. The only country you've ever known is rejecting you because you have total control over where you're born and raised. Wait. No. That's not true at all. Family Values!

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Mike Thompson - R

oklahomansformike.com/home/about/

According to Mike Thompson, he has a 100% Pro-Family voting record. This is because he refused to vote for the Murder All Families Bill of 2006. What does that even mean? Pro-Family? Who is presenting anti-family legislation, other than me?

One thing I do like about Mike Thompson is that he's a narcissist.  The guy has about a million different head shots to choose from on his site.  Pick one, Chubs, and stick with it.  Just because you overpaid and ordered the Platinum Executive package from the photographer doesn't mean you have to post every photograph on your website.

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Dr. Johnny B. Roy - R

royforcongress.com

Dr. Johnny Roy looks like a distant relative of Benny Hinn and sounds like Pagoda from Royal Tenenbaums. His site claims he was born in the Garden of Eden, so that makes him qualified somehow. That's like saying someone born in Sulphur will grow up to be a meth addicted, Tea Party member. If you look at it that way, maybe Dr. Roy is qualified.

The Garden of Eden is believed to be located in Iraq. He also lists his accomplishments as traveling to many different countries. A guy born overseas who travels? Terrorist. Plain and simple. I don't think he is, but I bet any one of his fellow candidates brings it up.

He plays the accordion, which is more than enough to qualify him in my book. Also, he's a doctor, but what fun is that?

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Well, that's a breakdown of the Republicans.  Now lets look at the two Democrats.

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Billy Coyle - D

www.billycoyle2010.com

His logo is his last name with the letter "˜o' replaced by a screaming bald eagle head. This logo is confusingly cool because it's blatant patriotic pandering but the guy replaced a letter in his name with a screaming bald eagle head. That'd be like seeing Samuel L. Jackson juggling jars with fetuses in them. It's cool, for sure, but also a bit disturbing.

His website shows a picture of his wife, who is pretty, but looks like an ex-girlfriend of mine, who happened to be insane, so I'm a little leery. No logic in that decision, but leery nonetheless. Still, that bald eagle head is pretty cool. Well played, B.C.

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Tom Guild - D

www.guildforcongress.com

His website logo looks like a hand puppet rabbit with a star. I get it's a donkey, but still. Not a lot to the man himself apparently. He has a lot of press on his site, including this "Onionesque" headline. "TERRORISM ATTACK FAILS"”CONSTITUTION REMAINS STRONG" as though the Constitution was a roided out beast, defeating terrorists.

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There are also a couple of independents running, too.  Since it's a primary, you can't vote for them, but lets talk about them anyway.

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Clark Duffe - I

www.duffeforcongress.com

This dude has his dog in the picture with him and wears a derby? So far, coolest candidate yet based on things that don't matter. Also, coolest logo. A derby sporting penguin. Makes no sense, so I love it. Like my mail order wife from Portugal.

He even lists his favorite songs and movies. He's a candidate for the Facebook generation who judge people based on irrelevant minutiae. He also doesn't watch or follow sports. Good for politics, bad for getting votes from 99% of Oklahomans who only watch and follow sports. Sorry Clark.

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Dave White - I

http://www.daveforcongress2010.com

Dave White looks like the kind of guy who probably beat up James Lankford on a daily basis in school. He's also handsome in that way you'll never be.  I think he also stars in Mad Men.

He trashes liberals, says he loves his country, just like they all do, and has a site strewn with red, white, and blue imagery. He has six kids in a "blended family" which is the least popular Jamba Juice flavor.

He seems to have the market cornered on handsome in this race, and based on that, I don't like him. Blogging is the only revenge the ugly have against the fortunate and pretty people. Take that, Handsome Dave!

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Brent Skarky - I

Technically, Brent Skakry still hasn't declared, but he may be a write-in candidate for me.  He's a special guy.

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So that's the breakdown.

Before you vote today, remember that all the candidates are feeding you what you want to hear. They're reciting talking points from better run campaigns on national stages or echoing the sentiments of whichever FOX News "anchor" they just heard. Vote for who you believe reflects your personal views, and not for someone who tells you what he thinks you want to hear. Remember, these guys are trying to get hired. Think of all the meandering crap you told your boss just so they'd hire you? "I do love Kenny Loggins!" Multiply that by a thousand, and that's what we're working with here.

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