One great thing about Oklahoma is how nurturing we are as a people. Take our drunk drivers, for example. In other states, they just kill people. In Oklahoma, they rescue raccoons first. Or at least try:
JUNE 22--Meet Leah Osborne. On reflection, the Oklahoma woman likely regrets recently stopping her car to pick up a stray raccoon she found on a Stillwater roadway. According to cops, Osborne, 27, was intoxicated and had an open bottle of vodka in her vehicle when she "stopped and picked up the raccoon from the roadway" one evening last month. But when "the animal began to show a more animated side" inside her car, Osborne stopped and extricated the raccoon, which promptly hid beneath her vehicle. At this point, Stillwater cop Kurt Merrill arrived on the scene, responding to a call about a raccoon in the roadway. When the raccoon emerged from beneath the car, Osborne ran past Merrill and "laid down in a road side ditch" that was muddy and "had standing water from recent rains." Osborne remained in the ditch until, Merrill reported, "I was able to drive the animal into a line of nearby trees." A District Court probable cause affidavit, filed June 3, notes that a Breathalyzer test recorded Osborne's blood alcohol content as .37, nearly five times the legal limit. As a result, Osborne was charged with drunk driving.
Here's some advice. If you're ever out drinking and driving some night and see a raccoon playing on the side of the road, don't stop. Just keep on driving. They aren't worth the rabies shot or DUI or embarrassing mug shot. The same goes for Biker Fox. You're just better off leaving him alone.
That being said, if you do feel the need to rescue a wild animal, make sure it's a fun one like a panda, koala or unicorn. In fact, Clark Matthews once claimed he rescued an abused Unicorn named Alex from a puppy mill near Shawnee. To this day Clark Matthews won't go anywhere near a puppy mill because it brings back such painful memories. I can't blame him.