So today is the big day! Thousands "“ yes, thousands "“ will go to the polls to decide if we are a cutting-edge city that promotes growth and prosperity, or just an average city like Amarillo or Omaha or, gasp, Tulsa!
Here at The Lost Ogle, we are encouraging everyone to go vote yes for MAPS. We are encouraging this because we think MAPS is exactly what we need to keep our city strong, growing, and for lack of a better term, on the rise.
Despite our wise words, some people are encouraging others to vote no. One reason they give is that the MAPS projects are not technically written in stone; that voters will essentially be voting on general capital improvements and not the specific projects.
Here at the Lost Ogle, we don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. To borrow someone else's analogy, we look at MAPS like a good buffet. You may not eat everything available under the heat lamps, but as a whole, it's a good idea. Also, we look at the projects not being set in stone as a positive. Why? It still gives us an opportunity to add better projects to the agenda. A few of them are below, the rest are found after the jump.
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1. Steal the Seattle Space Needle and move it to the Fair Grounds.
On the current MAPS ballot, they want to make improvements to the fair grounds. I'm really not sure what these improvements are, but the biggest improvement that can be made is to get rid of the Space Needle. That thing is so embarrassing it that it almost makes us a minor league city on its own.
I think a good project to add to MAPS would be to steal Seattle's Space Needle! The only drawback to that would be we'd have to leave its history in Seattle and then rename it something stupid like the Lightening Rod. Oh well"¦
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2. Build a state-of-the-art domed football stadium for a Lingerie Football League franchise.
Yeah, I guess the Thunder made us a big league city and everything, but do you know what would make us really big league? Get a lingerie football league franchise. This league is totally real, and with only 10 franchises, you have to bet that they are going to expand pretty soon. I'll even volunteer to be the assistant head coach or athletic trainer"¦for free.
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3. Pay the "Thunder Up" girl to greet tourists as they enter Oklahoma City.
If you've watched any Oklahoma City Thunder games on TV, you've probably seen the "It's Game Time! It's Game Time!" Thunder commerical about a few thousand times. I think the girl in the commercial who dances around while yelling "Thunder Up" should great all the tourists who come to the city. Sure, that may be creepy, but I think she'll grow on people and encourage folks to visit Oklahoma City.
Also, if she gets tired or needs a break, she can always be relieved by these people.
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4. Stock white sharks, dolphins and pandas at Lake Overholser.
In my Driver's Ed class in high school, the cop who would come to our class and show drunk driving slides called this west Oklahoma City body of water "Lake Overholster." Clever, huh?
Anyway, because of that funny police officer, when I think of Lake Overholser I either think of decapitated drunk drivers or the meth addicts who hang out there. I think a good way to maybe change the lake's negative image would be to stock it with cool wild life. Not only would this possibly bring Jessica Alba back to Oklahoma City, but maybe a panda or two would eat the meth heads camping near the dam. Clark Matthews could also live out his childhood fantasy and ride dolphins. Clark Matthews loves dolphins.
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5. Create some aquatic fitness centers for local bikini models.
One of the current project for MAPS is to build 4 "“ 5 Senior Health and Wellness Aquatic Centers throughout the Oklahoma City area. Let's be honest here. Nobody is going to use those things. I think it would be smarter to build aquatic fitness center for local bikini models. Bikini models love to work out! Plus, the city can charge people to watch the bikini models swim and exercise and stuff. That would pay for the cost of operations right there.
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6.Reenact famous naval battles on the Bricktown canal.
We've mentioned this in the past, and there's really not too much to add to this. All the boring old people will like it, and imagine the price that the club seats at Chelino's would sell for.
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7. Do something for the midgets.
You notice that this MAPS does nothing for midgets? That's a problem. We should probably build them a tricycle park or something.
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8.Let heterosexuals use the bike trails.
Lake Hefner is pretty cool, but the problem with it is that there is no clear distinction between the heterosexual areas and the places where gay guys meet up. Seriously, there are no rainbow flags, Madonna CDs or Jim Roth campaign stickers warning you that you hve stumbled into the part of the lake where random friendly guys with goatees casually walk around and smile while they are "looking for their lost dog."
Now, if this is a problem at Lake Hefner, imagine how big of a problem this will be when we have a network of secluded bike trails! I think both heterosexuals and homosexuals would be better of if we just designated a couple of the trails as "hetero only."
p.s. I know girls have to worry about creepy guys walking up them asking for help finding their dog, but straight guys shouldn't have to worry about it, too.
p.s.s.- Not that there's anything wrong with that.
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9. Pay people to ride the Streetcar.
Remember when the Kilpatrick Turnpike was first built and it had about 10 cars driving on it each day? I'm worried the proposed street car will be the same way for the first couple of years. To combat the problem of empty street cars, we should pay homeless people to ride on it. Not only will that give the homeless people jobs and keep them out of the super huge central park, it will give our street cars some character.
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10. Build a small mountain and ski slope in South Oklahoma City.
You know what, if we can build white water rapids near Downtown, we could probably go ahead and make a mountain and ski slope on the Mt. Trashmoore dump in South Oklahoma City. As an added bonus, Crossroads Mall could then be used as ski resort.
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11. Make sure the new fancy sidewalk system actually ends"¦
There's nothing more frustrating than when the sidewalks ends...or at least where it ends. Whatever...we just bonded.
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Anyway, those are just 11 alternate MAPS ideas that city leaders can implement once the vote passes today. And if you haven't voted yet, please go vote "Yes for MAPS" today. If you plan on voting "No," don't bother. The roads are slick and hazardous. Seriously, they're really really bad.
