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Anti-Power Rankings (Take Two)

1:10 PM EST on December 3, 2009


Hey did you hear? Bob Stoops is going to be the head coach at Notre Dame! Wait. He's going to be the head coach for the Cleveland Browns. Wait wait. He's going to be the head coach at Jenks. The Toronto Raptors are about to be coachless again, Stoops to Toronto?

We saw something very interesting this week first hand and it's called "journalism". But the bad kind. The kind where everyone wants to scoop everyone and then this thing called "the Internet" feeds the monster and rumors start flying like spit at Roberto Alomar's house.

Even after Stoops declared he would be at Oklahoma next season, reporters and supposed insiders still kept quoting anonymous sources and saying he had signed a contract and was leaving. I understand the reluctance to believe Stoops because some college coaches have a reputation for cheating on their teams more than Tiger Woods (first Tiger Woods is a cheater reference!). You know, Les the Hat and Nick Saban to name a few.

But Stoops isn't and has never been like those guys. He came back later that night with ANOTHER statement, saying again he'd be at Oklahoma. No "plans to" or "intend to". He said, "I will be at Oklahoma next year." Yet. People still went on saying dumb crap. I read one story that even said as Stoops signed his contract with Notre Dame, he said, "Bring on USC." Comedy.

Stoops went on with Jim and Al yesterday and in good humor, started out the call by saying, "Hey guys, I'm calling from South Bend!" But he expressed frustration in this whole situation and really highlight exactly what's wrong with journalism "“ people just care about being first. They don't care about being the first to get it right.

People wonder why journalists get ripped on and you can insert your own "Print is dead!" line here if you want. But as Stoops called it, all this erroneous reporting is really shocking. Adam Schefter is a quality reporter that gets a lot of stuff right. Mistakes happen. Sources are wrong. It happens. But the fact that people are constantly feeding this story is odd. It's irresponsible. It's insane.

And I know people that STILL think Stoops is going to Notre Dame. And that's fine. Because he is. On Sept. 8, 2013.

Anyway, on to five things that are on the anti side of awesome:

5. The KISS FM "Challenge"
First off, I really don't listen to KISS. I may happen across it while my other two favorite stations are on a break, but if I wanted to hear "I Got a Feelin'" and that stupid Taylor Swift song 150 times a day, I'd buy the freaking CDs. But I heard a spot talking about the KISS FM challenge which says, "Most agree that listening to KISS at work makes their day go by faster. So listen to KISS for two straight weeks and try the KISS FM challenge!"

Now I could be wrong, because I often am, but isn't a challenge supposed have some kind of resolution at the end of it? Like you either win or lose and therefore, some kind of reciprocation is involved? This "challenge" is for me to listen to the radio for two straight weeks. And what happens when I do? Do I get to punch Jack and Ron in the face? Do I get to pick the playlist for "Way Back Wednesday" (Nelson all day!)? Do I get money? What kind of stupid challenge is this? There's no incentive! It's like in Jurassic Park when Lex challenges Tim to climb over the fence faster than her and Tim says, "If I win, what do I get?" and Lex says, "Respect." That Lex was always so catty. And so is KISS FM.

So I'm taking the KISS FM challenge. And when I win, I want something. I don't know what that is, but if I can stand hearing Nickelback and Daughtry for two weeks, I think I deserve something.

4. The Self-Checkout Line
Want to feel a rush of anxiety that rivals the pressure of getting your front door unlocked while a charging Grizzly bear closes in on you? Use the self-checkout line with four people waiting behind you. The spotlight is on. It's all you and if something goes wrong, you hear the ppssh-ing, arm-crossing and weight changing legs going on behind you. It's like someone has a gun to your head and you have to disarm a bomb.


Of course you screw up and everyone has to wait while the little helper waddles over to undo your malfunction. Oh, the money goes there"¦. I put the items in the bag. I see.

Then there are the people that decide to use self-checkout for a MAJOR grocery store trip. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I kind of thought self-checkout was supposed to be the even quicker version of "Under 10 items" checkout. You've got four things, one might be slightly embarrassing and you don't want to speak to a human being even if it's so much as just to nod and halfway smile? SELF-CHECKOUT! It's not for your $300 Thanksgiving shopping trip.

Not that I hate self-checkout, because I love it. I'd much rather not make eye-contact with anyone and have to answer how my day is when all I want is to buy some effing deodorant. But they should make it like a voting booth or something. Nobody sees in and nobody knows what you're doing. I can't stand the pressure. I fold every time and just throw my items on the floor and run to the bathroom. Every time.

3. Cold Weather
I just don't really enjoy it. That's all.

2. Obligatory Tiger Woods Mention
Hey you guys! Tiger Woods! Car accident! Golf club! Chinese re-enactments! Voicemails! Cheating! Sex! Multiple women! Transgressions!

There, I think you're all caught up.

1. Shopping
I do not enjoy this. It is honestly one of the worst things ever to me. Walking around a mall with my head down while being drug into different stores is not my idea of a great day. And since it's Christmas time, well, it's required. But I do it because I am married and I want to stay that way. And you know what? I enjoy it LESS when I'm shopping for myself. I don't know what I like? Pants? Shirts? Shoes? All the same.

I'm being serious; my mom bought my clothes until I was like a senior in high school. Not because I'm socially retarded, but because the one time I went shopping by myself, I accidently came home with five long sleeve t-shirts when it was July and I meant to get short-sleeve. I didn't even unfold them. I grabbed and walked.

But I've learned how to make shopping bearable. I can withstand a 3-4 hour trip to the mall because of a few things. Let me share my wisdom:

1. When you go into a store, whether it be GAP, Dillards, Banana Republic or whatever, your first order of business is find a place to sit. You look at your wife, say, "Hey I'll be over here. If you try on anything, come find me. I want to see it!" and then you just sit and stare at nothing. It's awesome. Bad idea: Walking around behind your wife and being forced to comment on every piece of clothing she touches. Oh yeah. That looks nice. Yeah it would go well with those shoes. Yeah. Just sit down somewhere. One of the store's ladders, a display thing, chair if they have it. Heck, go in one of the dressing rooms and sit on a bench in there. Just sit down. Don't walk when you don't have to.

2. Related: Make sure to shop at somewhere like Pottery Barn. They have chairs and sofas and pillows everywhere. It's male shopping heaven.

3. Get a promise that you can go to a store you like for at least 10 minutes. Back in high school, I needed 10 minutes in Game Stop. You can have three hours and 50 minutes in every freaking store in the building, but give me 10 here. And don't stand right by the exit with that "LET'S GO" look on your face. I'm not going to buy anything, I just want to look.

Now, I need a little time in Border/Barnes and Noble/Walden. Just let me poke around, pick up a few books, thumb through one and leave. Ten minutes. It's all I ask in exchange for the four hours you're getting.

4. Go to the bathroom early and often. And nobody says you can't get "lost" on the way back. I know what you're thinking, "But I hate the mall, where do I go get "˜lost' if I hate everything in it?" The comfy chair area with the fountain, that's where. Just recharge your shopping batteries for five minutes by sitting down and watching some water shoot in the air. You'll feel much better, I promise.

5. Don't ask to leave. It does you no good. The best thing to do is before you get to the mall, mention something that's happening three or four hours from then that's VERY important to you. A ballgame, a TV show, a cockfight"¦ something. Set a schedule to leave before you get there. But don't keep mentioning the event the whole time. Maybe when you're sensing you can last 45 more minutes, glance at the watch and hope she says, "Oh yeah"¦ your thing. One more store and then we'll go." Lock it up.

6. Don't eat at the food court. It's best to arrive at the mall at either 10 a.m. or 3 p.m. But before you get there, just say "No food court." Because that way, you have to exit the mall to eat. Maybe settle on a great place to eat before the day starts. Elephant Bar, On the Border, whatever. Make it sound like you're going all out for this shopping trip. I know, the food court is that elusive siren with tasteful places that you don't get anywhere else. But you can get your gyro later. Your mission is just to get out.

7. My dad's secret tip is to go to dinner first and delay shopping until like 8 p.m. so you are forced to leave when the mall closes. I guess that works, but having a mall trip tacked on to the end of my day is like waiting all day to go to the doctor. The earlier I get it over with, the better.

8. Not really a tip, but don't be the guy following around his wife or girlfriend in Victoria Secret. It looks bad man. It looks weird. Join us other four guys standing outside awkwardly looking in waiting on our wives/girlfriends to come out. It's like a little fraternity. But the dude that's picking up bras and panties and actively shopping in there with his chick? Not cool. Just not cool.

Plus, if you're in there, you're going to be tempted to look at what other girls are looking at, which will lead to you picturing what they look like in that, which could lead to you ending up with scratches on your face and your wife chasing you with a golf club (like Tiger Woods! Hahahaha).

Best to just avoid the whole situation.

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