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Mrs. Matthews Speaks

12:11 AM EDT on June 2, 2008

On Memorial Day, I published a post illustrating how understanding and caring my beautiful wife of seven years can be in the form of a video she gave me of two turtles humping.  (If you actually read the post, it's about as romantic as it sounds.)  While she appreciated the sentiment, she wanted to clear a few things up for our readers.  After the jump, see inside the mind of a person who would marry a Lost Ogle.

So I feel like I should explain myself...

If you've seen the video that was uploaded to "You Tube" from our family computer, you know that I did make a Galapagos turtle sex video (kind of). Let me take a crack at answering the inevitable questions:

No, I did not take the 18-month-old ClarkPupp to a house of ill repute. We had actually come to see the lion cubs, who, after five visits to the zoo since early March, are still evading us.

Yes, those are actual residents of the OKC Zoo, and not animatronic creatures from Jim Henson's Puppet Shop or EPCOT center in Florida, although watching them stretch out their necks and walk around, albeit incredibly slowly, has given me a greater respect for the dinosaurs at Walt Disney World.

Yes, I actually took several photos and checked out multiple filming angles for this lovely piece of art. I probably shouldn't quit my day job, though. I had put the video camera back in the bag before the male turtle started snorting and blowing spit bubbles (I sh!t you not). Clark says this would have been the "money shot".  Whatever that means.  A real filmmaker would know to keep the camera rolling until the deed was done and the perfect shot captured.

No, I don't typically feel the need to document the reproductive habits of zoo residents. It's just that part of me felt that, if I didn't get it on film, Clark would never believe it.

Yes, Clark was oddly silent when I called him to let him know I had "turtle porn" for him. I guess this wasn't what he expected to hear as he walked the golf green with a bunch of guys from our church.

No, I did not even try to explain what was going on to the ClarkPupp, as he was more interested in climbing out of his stroller (little Houdini!) and marching back to the flamingos, who absolutely crack him up!  Also, I thought it would have been rude to interrupt my mother while she explained the entire process in graphic detail.

I did, however, catch all kinds of explanations given by other parents in response to their children's curiosity:

Look Sweetie, she's giving him a piggy-back ride.


They're just wrestling.


Let's go see if the elephants are out. 

I plan to stow these in my brain to whip out the next time we catch wild animals doing the wild thing at the Oklahoma City Zoo. Maybe we'll have better luck at the Omniplex?

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