11:01 AM EST on December 5, 2007
It is bowl season and as a result, I, as an OSU fan, will be subjected to countless jabs from Sooner fans deriding the Cowboys invitation to the "WhoCares.com Bowl". The jokes hurt because they are true. While Insight, thankfully, dropped the ".com" from their bowl sponsorship title, my beloved Cowboys who lost just as many games as they won (including a blowout at the hands of the mighty Troy Trojans) are on their way to a stupidly named bowl "classic" against another .500 team.
While the NCAA clings to the archaic BCS status quo as every rational fan and member of the media clamors for a playoff plan, the system is already broken. There is little glory in winning a bowl these days. In the days of yore, your school might have gone to something with a girly name such as the Bluebonnet Bowl, but at least it had a name and there were only a few bowls to which teams could be invited.
Now, any school who can win six games (even if some of those wins are versus lower division teams) get invited to a bowl which is named after any company who can pony up a couple million dollars. Legitimate powers like Auburn and Clemson end up at things called the Chick-Fil-A Bowl. There are 32 bowl games that will be played this season. That means more than half of Division-IA schools get an invite. Of the teams that qualified with the minimum of six wins, only seven are not playing in the post season.
If this were the Sports Animal and I were Craig Humphreys, this is the part where I would explain how to fix the system. Instead, I intend to exploit it. Those seven teams were shafted and Oklahoma needs to get in the game of hosting bowls to correct this injustice. After the jump, see our proposals.
TOBY KEITH'S I LOVE THIS BOWL
Grand Marshall: Toby Keith
Where at: Moore High School Stadium
Game Notes: Loser gets a boot up their ass.
Grand Marshall: Oral Roberts
Where at: Crossings Church Field
- Benny Hinn will serve as medical staff for both teams.
- If the game does not net at least $8 million, Oral Roberts will be struck down by God.
- Winner gets to stay at Marty Grubbs' house for a week.
GERBIL BOWL presented by Mathis Brothers Furniture
Grand Marshall: Brent Skarky
Where at: Habana Inn
- Players and coaches will be allowed to choose whether a child or small dog will sit on their lap during press conferences.
- Curtis Fitzpatrick will provide the play by play
OKLAHOMA LOTTERY BOWL
Grand Marshall: Governor Brad Henry
Where at: Remington Park
- Bowl organizers estimate 40,000 in attendance
- Actual attendance will be approximately 20,000
Grand Marshall: Hopefully, Lauren Richardson...otherwise Clark Matthews
Where at: Patrick Nelson's livingroom
- The game will be played on EA Sports College Football
- OU is always involved and their quarterback is a custom player named Tony Hanadarko
Grand Marshall: Doctors Bellardo and Hummel
Where at: Dean McGee Eye Institute
Game Note: The game pits members of the media who have endorsed the respective doctors against each other.
Grand Marshall: The guy who runs OkieDoke
Where at: Little Axe, OK
Game Note: No actual game will be played. Participants will just vote for their friends.
NuSound ANNOYING COMMERCIAL BOWL
Grand Marshall: Thomas Stalcup (aka Chad Stevens)
Where at: The Mile of Cars in Norman
- This year's matchup is the Diffee Family versus a team captained by the 1-800-2SellHomes Lady
- The Diffee family is heavily favored since they have been practicing.
THE PAUL MEADE INSURANCE "WHERE ARE THEY NOW" BOWL
Grand Marshall: Linda Soundtrack
Where at: Shepard Mall
Game Note: This year's matchup features Lynn Hickey and Wayne Shattuck